


We Provide A Leverage AU.

by Lanna Michaels (lannamichaels)



Series: THIS IS NOT A DRILL [4]
Category: Hockey RPF, Leverage, Superstition - Superstition_hockey (Original Work)
Genre: Chatting & Messaging, Meta, Work Contains Fandom Elements, superstition by superstition_hockey - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-21
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-07 22:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 31,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26585026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lannamichaels/pseuds/Lanna%20Michaels
Summary: diquesdick:no, the hockey is a METAPHOR
Series: THIS IS NOT A DRILL [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1470569
Comments: 24
Kudos: 29





	We Provide A Leverage AU.

**puckstothenet:**  
babe, I just had the best idea

I'm gonna write a Leverage AU

**diquesdick:**  
uh-huh

**puckstothenet:**  
and I bet you're desperate to know

who is gonna be the fifth team member

**diquesdick:**  
I am not, obviously it's gonna be buddy

**puckstothenet:**  
it's buddy

dammit

**diquesdick:**  
very very obviously buddy

**puckstothenet:**  
so chants is the hitter, as we all know to our distress

jacks is the hacker

svetlana is the mastermind

**diquesdick:**  
fair

**puckstothenet:**  
crash is the thief

**diquesdick:**  
oh no

no

darling, no

buddy is not a con artist

**puckstothenet:**  
THAT'S WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO THINK

**diquesdick:**  
nooooo

**puckstothenet:**  
Buddy is Sophie and I will not be moved on this subject

**diquesdick:**  
ugh

fine

what's the hook? what are they stealing?

it better not be the stanley cup

**puckstothenet:**  
no of course not

they are stealing the olympics

**diquesdick:**  
not better.

**puckstothenet:**  
okay fine

you tell me what they're stealing

**diquesdick:**  
they're stealing the quebec city nordiques

**puckstothenet:**  
gasp

genius

wait, wait

why are they stealing them?

because if they're stealing them for colorado, I want no part in that comments section

**diquesdick:**  
they are stealing money to give to the local girls hockey team who got robbed by idk someone

I mean, the real thing they should do is steal it to give it to the womens pro hockey leagues to make them pay better

but then they'd have to knock over the entire nhl, not just the diques

**puckstothenet:**  
I got a great idea

let's have them knock over the entire nhl, not just the diques

**diquesdick:**  
the revenge of every rookie who ever got his career screwed over by mismanagement and never came back from it, while management pocketed all the money

**puckstothenet:**  
wait wasn't this already a leverage episode?

if I'm gonna steal from a real leverage episode, why don't I just steal the plot?

why were they stealing from that AHL team anyway?

**diquesdick:**  
something to do with concussions

**puckstothenet:**  
okay the internet tells me the client there was the athlete's son, and the baddie was the team owner who was cashing in on the excitement the athlete's fighting brought to their league

**diquesdick:**  
too real

**puckstothenet:**  
okay actually you know what, let's lean into this

"Let's go steal the National Hockey League," Svetlana said coolly, as she does everything.

and then they, like, rig the GMs meeting or board of directors or some bullshit and make the nhl contribute a fuckton more to the womens side, institutionally, and require them to be less sexist about women in management positions, somehow

idk that's just details

you know I'm only here for the banter

**diquesdick:**  
who's the client, though?

**puckstothenet:**  
oh, idea

some random OC who is an elite prospect for the team

whose sister is some gold medal winning hockey player

and, no, wait, the sister knows Coach

and *Coach* is the leverage team's contact

she is their inside mole!

**diquesdick:**  
*cackles*

and that's the justice for the client? she only wants the opportunity?

**puckstothenet:**  
idk maybe she also gets paid

like maybe she'd gotten injured and stuff trying to play womens pro

but I think the justice would be enough

the show really got into the niche of people who didn't want money, they wanted intangibles

**diquesdick:**  
you know what you better give me? Chants still knowing all of Ouellette's stats off the top of his head

**puckstothenet:**  
naturally. what do you take me for?

I can even get to say "it's a very distinctive career", because he's being Eliot

**diquesdick:**  
wait, no, on second thought, I wanna dispute the team assignments

Crash should be the hitter, she's way more buff than chants is

**puckstothenet:**  
chants cannot be parker, that wouldn't work

chants would be the grifter instead I guess???

then we'd move buddy to the thief

I'm not the happiest about that but I suppose I could make it work

**diquesdick:**  
yeah none of them would be great parkers

focus more on the team member purpose, not on the character they're replacing

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah

although I know if I tweeted at chants and asked him which leverage team member he was, he'd say Eliot because of the hockey thing

**diquesdick:**  
I'm kinda wondering if Buddy *would* say Sophie

**puckstothenet:**  
None of them would say Nate, but I think a couple of them would say Mastermind

you know what? I bet chants would nominate Jacks as the mastermind

But I don't care, that's obviously Svetlana

my fic my rules

**diquesdick:**  
poor Nate, someone should want to be him

**puckstothenet:**  
look, you know me, I think Maggie should be the mastermind, not Nate

and I have no problem making this fic Jacktal and Crash/Svetlana and not any other pairings at all

and you know me and Parker/Sophie

this should not be a surprise

okay so

here's the assignments:

Mastermind (Nate): Svetlana

Grifter (Sophie): Chants

Hitter (Eliot): Crash

Hacker (Hardison): Jacks

Thief (Parker): Buddy

I can work with this

**diquesdick:**  
you can!

**puckstothenet:**  
and some womens hockey player, lets call her Amelie for now, she gets in touch with the team because... reasons

and someone on the team knows Caroline Ouellette

and she's like "I got your back, you can use the diques however you want"

**diquesdick:**  
you know what would be great? if Amelie was dating a surfer, and that surfer knows Crash because she's got Eliot's inexplicable backstory and so surfs on the side

in theme with Eliot just randomly knowing many skills at a professional level

so we keep the surfer connection

**puckstothenet:**  
I like it

ugh what is plot though

**diquesdick:**  
plot is what gives you excuses for banter

**puckstothenet:**  
fair

it probably wouldn't be fair to have Ouellette herself as the client

**diquesdick:**  
I mean, you could?

**puckstothenet:**  
I don't wanna manufacture a grievance between her and the diques

I mean, in reality, she must have several

there's a thing as being too accurate

it's better to have her as an ally here and not as the victim

**diquesdick:**  
okay

**puckstothenet:**  
actually, can I bring Maggie in as Sveta's ex?

**diquesdick:**  
if you think it you can write it, I believe in you

**puckstothenet:**  
that's very sweet but I mean that in a fic construction way

**diquesdick:**  
that too

a heist fic has gotta a juggle lots of characters, so what's one more?

you just need a story niche for her to fill

what's maggie there for?

**puckstothenet:**  
you know when I started this I was sure it was Jacktal focus

and then I lost it for the ensemble and that was okay

but now I want this to be Oceans 8 

and Oceans 8 is not Leverage

**diquesdick:**  
it is not

**puckstothenet:**  
Maggie shall be Svetlana's ex in the Oceans 8 prequel I write to the Leverage fic

**diquesdick:**  
that's the spirit

add complication and then split it out to go somewhere else

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah I gotta keep an eye on the scope, I'm already biting off a lot more than I can chew with this

but the focus is that Leverage is heisting for robin hood

and oceans is about heisting for the glamor and the lolz and the moneyz

if Leverage goes to a banquet to steal a diamond, that would be a ruse

it would not be the point to steal more diamonds

leverage would steal the met gala and you'd never know it was stolen

**diquesdick:**  
I mean, they both have insurance people

**puckstothenet:**  
true

but anyway

plot beats: they get the client

they make a plan

the plan goes awry

they modify the plan

we have some flashback that annoys me

they win the day

we have a nice groupshot

fade to black and/or a sex scene

yes?

**diquesdick:**  
you know, you can leave out the flashback that annoys you

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah I probably will

those are harder to do in fic anyway

but golly gee jiminy do I prefer the way leverage does plan changes 

because oceans make my head hurt

they don't make sense!

but yeah whatever glitz glamor etc

**diquesdick:**  
there is no glitz and glamor in stealing a GM meeting

**puckstothenet:**  
unless it's the bling on chants's watch

okay thank you for talking me into making chants the grifter because now I think the watches are gonna be the key to unlocking that plot element

Chants is gonna grift them as a consultant

Buddy The Thief will go along as his rookie, goddamn thank you this is perfect

**diquesdick:**  
yesssss

**puckstothenet:**  
Crash is security and always underestimated by the misogynists

again, perfect, you are getting credited as the coauthor if you keep giving me good ideas

Svetlana is working the mastermind angle and is in the van with Jacks?

no, Svetlana's gotta be on the floor, she'll be the partner in the consultancy firm, maybe?

okay and what's Jacks doing

**diquesdick:**  
manipulating investor information?

**puckstothenet:**  
I can work with that

he's gotta be doing some kind of hackery thing to support the con

he's the key to the inevitable plan change

he'll come in as an analytics guy in the 4th act, spew a bunch of stats, maybe invent a few

"I call this corsi-course correction," Jacks spitballs while Chants looks on with hearteyes.

**diquesdick:**  
please please please let Crash beat up Bettman

**puckstothenet:**  
I cannot let Crash beat up Bettman, it would ruin the con

I can have her trip him, though

**diquesdick:**  
excellent

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm gonna need an Eliot Wearing Glasses With Long Hair Academic Look moment

and I'm gonna have to do it to Chants and I'm not sorry

**diquesdick:**  
never be sorry for that

**puckstothenet:**  
crash is gonna be in a suit and a french braid

I'm thinking I'm putting Jacks in a Giroux jersey at the start

and then when he comes in as an analyst...

idk do I lean into nerd or do I lean into "I look like I play pro sports"

because I wanna lean into "I look like I play pro sports"

**diquesdick:**  
jacks's analyst persona has a backstory of wanting to play sports

but then he learned math

and he was like "if I do sports, I can't do math???"

and then the lightbulb moment of "I can do sports AND do math"

but doing sports at a high level while young means sacrificing a lot of education

so he plays some sport at a decent level, as a hobby, and enjoys mathing the pro sports instead of playing the pro sports

**puckstothenet:**  
every single sentence starts "when I was in bantam"

and the nhl dudes are prepped for the bitter ex jock who couldn't make it as a teenager and is now desperately trying to be cool with the nhl in the only way he can

but then jacks's analyst persona ends with, idk

something like "I got my best friend cut from the team because his stats sucked"

and then he smirks

**diquesdick:**  
"when I was in bantam, I never won a game for my team"

"but then I got into advanced stats and now I win every game for my team"

fingerguns

**puckstothenet:**  
analyst!jacks shows up in a suit with a brightly colored novelty tie

firm handshake

totally bails them out of the tough situation

slicked back hair, though?

**diquesdick:**  
definitely

**puckstothenet:**  
how many stealing the stanley cup jokes can I make?

**diquesdick:**  
zero

**puckstothenet:**  
:(

**diquesdick:**  
it's too easy. try harder.

**puckstothenet:**  
jacks has stolen the lady byng

**diquesdick:**  
that's the spirit

**puckstothenet:**  
and chants has stolen the mark messier leadership award

**diquesdick:**  
now that's just mean

**puckstothenet:**  
accurate, though

**diquesdick:**  
make one of them steal the vezina

**puckstothenet:**  
what if that was buddy

he tried to steal the calder but jacks got there first

he tried to steal the conn smythe but was stymied by chants

in revenge, he stole the vezina

there's a rashomon job episode where each of them tries to work out whose stolen which hockey trophy

but okay fine no one has stolen the stanley cup

**diquesdick:**  
no one has stolen the stanley cup because the cup was stolen in 1920something and they all know it

so there's no point in stealing a replica

no honor, no glory, no stanley cup

**puckstothenet:**  
is this a ship of theseus problem

if most of the history of the cup is on a different cup wouldn't the new cup be the real cup

**diquesdick:**  
you are underestimating the feelings hockey people have about thirty pounds of metal

**puckstothenet:**  
I mean, it *is* a pretty piece of metal

also how dare you call me not a hockey person... I can't even keep a straight face

**diquesdick:**  
oh you're a hockey person? tell me where the coyotes play

**puckstothenet:**  
I really wish I could say that time I said Atlanta was the product of deranged cold medicine

but it really really wasn't

and I would never lie to you

I honestly thought there was still a team in Atlanta and the Thrashers just got renamed

I have no idea where Anaheim is

Anything that starts with A is all the same place

**diquesdick:**  
in your defense, it does not make the most sense to have hockey in Atlanta

...Arizona. Dammit now I'm doing it.

there's two teams in Florida

life is superfluous and so is half the nhl, it's totally fine

**puckstothenet:**  
I should remember Arizona had a team because there was that whole thing with Auston Matthews

back in the mists of time

let's be fair if there isn't a slash pairing, I don't remember the team exists

gimme some super stars and personalities and I will absolutely remember the St Louis Blues exist

if you do not do that, I will never remember that

people complain that hockey fans only like their own team and won't watch the cup final if it isn't their team

you want me to watch random hockey teams without slash pairings I care about?

**diquesdick:**  
they absolutely want you to watch hockey even if there's no angst potential

**puckstothenet:**  
inconceivable

**diquesdick:**  
the idea is you're a fan of the sport

**puckstothenet:**  
lol

**diquesdick:**  
and not just your hometown team

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm a fan of my hometown team! And the diques! And the Rangers, this season!

But there are 34 goddamn teams in this horrible league

it is too much to ask for me to care about people I don't care about

do better promo, nhl

then I'll care about some dude on the canucks

I haven't been able to name a canuck since the sedins retired and I stand by that decision

**diquesdick:**  
Lars Laverne

**puckstothenet:**  
okay I can name him too

but this proves my point, because I only know him because of that 300K epic

in person, I do not think Lavvy has his dick pierced

**diquesdick:**  
we can only hope

**puckstothenet:**  
"who's the canuck's captain, puck?"

"fucked if I know"

"who hangs out on the third line"

"SODA FOUNTAIN AU GUY"

**diquesdick:**  
remind me when I get home to put together a new quiz

I give someone a team

They have to list, in order, the top 5 pairings for that team

**puckstothenet:**  
ooooh

how are you gonna handle crosses between teams and trades

**diquesdick:**  
team crosses counts for both teams

trades... I don't want to have to look at fic publish date but I will if I have to

if all members of the pairing were ever once on the same team, I'm willing to call it that team even after trades

**puckstothenet:**  
so chants/temi is still sharks even though neither are on the sharks anymore?

**diquesdick:**  
yeah

I feel if anyone is still holding out the good fight for chants/temi in this day and age, they deserve to get counted under sharks

it's not like chants/temi would have happened if they never shared a team

**puckstothenet:**  
how would you count jacktal during their rookie season?

**diquesdick:**  
crossover, so counts for both

unless you wanna bring junior teams into this

**puckstothenet:**  
kinda tempted now that it's on offer

there was like that whole year of the rimouski oceanic wasn't there?

**diquesdick:**  
I could not possibly comment

(my Robbie/Robert road trip is still my best fic in terms of hits per bookmark)

**puckstothenet:**  
it would be really complicated to figure out BUT

a category for "these two guys never shared a team in their entire lives"

including olympic, world, AND ALL STAR

my mind goes immediately to McDavid and Eichel

but did they ever share an all star game team?

**diquesdick:**  
I do not know but I could probably find out

can the pairing be on the same national team but they never played together?

**puckstothenet:**  
sure but how many of those exist?

**diquesdick:**  
it's a brave new world of six degrees of separation

**puckstothenet:**  
fuck, McDavid and Eichel were on that "team north america" bullshit, weren't they?

**diquesdick:**  
oh fuck it, yeah, they were

**puckstothenet:**  
dammit I need another example

I was so happy with that one because they are from different countries

they never should have been on the same international team

stupid bullshit teams

**diquesdick:**  
"and now I give you... Europe Not Including The Four Countries Previously Mentioned"

**puckstothenet:**  
"We call our team Miscellaneous Other"

and now we round back gracefully to Team Leverage

**diquesdick:**  
if Team Leverage were cross-team pairings...

Eliot was on the Flyers, yes, I make the rules

**puckstothenet:**  
Hardison was Florida Panthers, then got traded to the Kings and finished his career there

Parker is a Penguin

**diquesdick:**  
Sophie was on the Capitals

Nate was an original nordique and never lets Chants forget it

**puckstothenet:**  
I like that smooth crossover you just did, very nice

**diquesdick:**  
thanks I try

Luc Chantal RPF is sorely lacking in him getting some nice age difference with someone from the nordiques

I'd fix that but, like you, I don't know anyone on the original nordiques because there's no slash about them these days

**puckstothenet:**  
I feel vindicated

**diquesdick:**  
the internet tells me that there's 4 original nordiques I've heard of

no interest in slashing any of them with our captain

**puckstothenet:**  
can I keep Hardison in this fic?

**diquesdick:**  
yes

what's he gonna be doing?

**puckstothenet:**  
you know how the show makes it clear that they all go off and do their own cons sometimes?

Hardison is doing some unrelated con on the nhl

but since Team Hockey AU isn't interfering with his con, he's just in the background doing his own thing and sometimes using their con to distract from his

just a nice little cameo in the background

but then he and jacks can "age of the geek, baby" at each other

**diquesdick:**  
ahem, jacks would say "age of the geek, bro" in return

**puckstothenet:**  
yes you are of course correct

"Age of the geek, baby," says Hardison.

"Age of the geek, bro," says Jacks and high-fives.

"Bro, for sure," says Chants and fist bumps them both.

**diquesdick:**  
does Hardison keep in touch with Jacks

and then bring him in instead of Wil Wheaton when they need nerd backup?

**puckstothenet:**  
yes

very much yes

**diquesdick:**  
okay but what if Jacks is an NHL player and also a conman hacker

not your fic, a different fic

but then Hardison calls him to cash in on a favor

and it would work since Jacks travels so much

so Jacks could be like "catching up with an old friend after the game!"

and everyone's like "yeah, bro, old teammate from juniors, gotcha, have fun"

and then Jacks ends up in the brewpub 

**puckstothenet:**  
I like it

what's he getting called in for?

**diquesdick:**  
idk maybe Hardison got IDed and they need another hacker

and Jacks can double as a distraction because he is Famous NHLer Oliver Jackson

**puckstothenet:**  
he is not Famous NHLer in Portland, Oregon, I do not think

**diquesdick:**  
without checking, tell me where the nearest NHL team to Oregon is

**puckstothenet:**  
I hate you :P

seattle, though, gotta be seattle

...right?

**diquesdick:**  
yeah you're fine ;)

**puckstothenet:**  
I desperately need someone to tell Jacks not to quit his day job

**diquesdick:**  
"I don't have a day job," fibs Famous NHLer Oliver Jackson

**puckstothenet:**  
"Then what the hell did I watch last night," asks Famous Puncher Eliot Spencer

**diquesdick:**  
"idk your porn is between you and your browser history"

**puckstothenet:**  
lol

**diquesdick:**  
"I'm also twitter-famous."

**puckstothenet:**  
"you're twitter famous for BEING A FAMOUS NHLER"

**diquesdick:**  
"you can't prove that"

**puckstothenet:**  
"it's literally in your bio and profile picture"

**diquesdick:**  
"oh like you believe that"

**puckstothenet:**  
"I watched you cry when you got the calder!"

**diquesdick:**  
"eh, details."

**puckstothenet:**  
"also we stole the olympics you won a gold medal at"

**diquesdick:**  
"nice try"

"stealing the olympics is like the weather"

"everyone complains about it, no one actually does it"

**puckstothenet:**  
what does hacker!hockey!Jacks tend to do? is he also stealing stuff?

**diquesdick:**  
jacks stole money from the flyers owners to make up for how much they underpaid him

**puckstothenet:**  
naturally

**diquesdick:**  
idk probably he also rigged something back in juniors so he and chants could play together forever

**puckstothenet:**  
as well he should have

**diquesdick:**  
Oliver Jackson: Hacking For His Relationship

**puckstothenet:**  
someone's gotta, it's not like Luc's gonna do any work to fix the cross-country issue

if a man wants his marriage, he's gonna have to hack everything

let his husband surf all he wants

oliver jackson over here is gonna make sure they get on the same team

**diquesdick:**  
He is.

idk maybe he just does it for fun and blow off steam?

some guys play video games, Famous Hockey Hacker Oliver Jackson makes a teammate's television only play 80s b-movies in any hotel they go to

and this backfires spectacularly when the teammate likes them, and random 80s b-movies become popular on the diques

"Why do I do this to myself," laments Jacks

"Shh, we're getting to the good part," says his loving husband, turning up the volume.

**puckstothenet:**  
I like the cut of your jib

**diquesdick:**  
I have a great jib

how's your fic going?

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm at the "ugh what is Crash even doing here though" stage

**diquesdick:**  
you have found the lament of the unnecessarily-specific

and thus must become from specific to general

**puckstothenet:**  
ugh

**diquesdick:**  
everyone else is vague enough 

but Eliot is a hitter so when he can't hit, he has to fill another role

invent some hidden talent for Crash

this is how Eliot knows how to sing, the plot requires him to do so

what does the plot require ANYONE to do

figure that out, have Crash do it

**puckstothenet:**  
the plot needs someone who can recite Yeats

**diquesdick:**  
boom, Crash is now a poetry scholar on the side

**puckstothenet:**  
this seems a poor idea

**diquesdick:**  
when all you have is a hammer, everything you see is a plot hole

no one will question it

Crash is Eliot and Eliot just knows shit

they established it early on, they kept it, it's just continuity

you get to exploit that

**puckstothenet:**  
I do not like this sam I am.

**diquesdick:**  
just roll with it, I promise you it'll be fine

**puckstothenet:**  
okay so

they've conned their way in

they've had jacks come in as surprise!analyst

Crash has punched some security guards

they've exited

I'll figure out a better thing for Crash to do than punch

probably

maybe not

ugh

**diquesdick:**  
what's your side plot?

**puckstothenet:**  
uh, slash?

**diquesdick:**  
great, Crash is doing that part too

**puckstothenet:**  
this was a lot more fun when I wasn't writing it

**diquesdick:**  
sometimes that happens, yeah

what's your favorite thing Eliot ever did?

**puckstothenet:**  
that scene in the kitchen early on where he was chefing and he killed a bunch of guys, including one with an appetizer

**diquesdick:**  
so you like creative fight scenes

**puckstothenet:**  
I guess?

**diquesdick:**  
Crash has to fight someone with only the contents of a board room

how does she do it?

**puckstothenet:**  
those chairs are pretty heavy, so maybe she throws one?

strangle someone with the cord from some hookup for either the conferencing system or presentations

and I liked that that scene showed his cooking skills, so this one can contain something else special Crash can do?

**diquesdick:**  
Crash can hold her breath freakishly long

**puckstothenet:**  
can she do that while fighting a bunch of guys?

**diquesdick:**  
it's your fic, if she needs to, she can

**puckstothenet:**  
she's fighting people on a golf course, I've just decided

so fun with the clubs, and maybe she fences someone with one of them?

trips someone into a water feature and goes under with him, but comes out at the other end, because Swimming Powers

and then she rams someone with a golf cart

and then Chants hands her a drink and a towel

a gatorade. Chants definitely hands her a gatorade

**diquesdick:**  
see? you got this!

**puckstothenet:**  
I got this!

Maybe!

Sigh.

How about yours? Because if I'm doing one, you're damn well also gonna do one

**diquesdick:**  
I'm not sure if I should go for a hockey related plot to justify Famous Guest Star Oliver Jackson

or go more for a mad libs/neural network approach

**puckstothenet:**  
MADLIBS

the client is a...

**diquesdick:**  
veterinarian

**puckstothenet:**  
who is upset that...

**diquesdick:**  
the villain is not treating his rich person private zoo well

**puckstothenet:**  
and the client can't go to the cops because...

**diquesdick:**  
maybe the stuff isn't illegal?

or the vet's an accessory to the crime?

**puckstothenet:**  
for a moment I was thinking this was gonna turn jurassic park, which is hilarious because I've still never seen that movie

but yeah let's ramp this up and make this the most leverage episode to ever leverage

aka, there's insurance fraud

**diquesdick:**  
hardison goes in as the insurance agent this time, so they need to pull in Jacks to do hacking stuff while he's busy?

can you insure zoo animals?

**puckstothenet:**  
I don't see why not?

and probably the insurance policy says stuff about how things are supposed to be

so they can spring the villain on that

**diquesdick:**  
I mean, I like it, but I don't know

"cruelty to animals" is a very cheap trick

**puckstothenet:**  
cheap tricks are still tricks!

**diquesdick:**  
hmmmm

**puckstothenet:**  
what would the hockey related plot be?

**diquesdick:**  
idk something related to puck-tracking software

because hacking and hockey and also things I hate

**puckstothenet:**  
always a great trifecta

**diquesdick:**  
but I don't know who the villain is

**puckstothenet:**  
there could not be a villain?

Hardison is playing around on the side seeing what shenanigans he can do

he gets into some trouble

he is then the client himself, no need for another one

the team does fun heist stuff

Jacks provides expert knowledge on puck-tracking systems and also keyboards

end shot is Hardison and Jacks playing paper football

and then credits, boom

**diquesdick:**  
I like it

although now that I'm thinking about it, they stole hockey because concussion and they stole baseball because they needed a team moving rumor for shenanigans

they didn't actually need Eliot to play baseball for that one, yeah?

**puckstothenet:**  
this is the part where you tell me they needed something for Eliot to do

**diquesdick:**  
but now I'm thinking about it too hard

**puckstothenet:**  
always a danger

**diquesdick:**  
but it was something *about* baseball in a sense that it didn't need to be baseball at all

it could have been any random sport with a minor league, so long as the villain had a connection to it

did they pick baseball because random baseball teams moving around is a problem?

**puckstothenet:**  
"revitalizing the waterfront" = new sports area and baseball parks are parts of those

because baseball is played outside in nice weather

so you stroll around, you go shopping, you eat food, you enjoy the water, the kids go play in a fountain

it's a nice day and a nice experience

because god love hockey but it's too damn cold

**diquesdick:**  
fair.

**puckstothenet:**  
that's the highlight of baseball for me, how nice everything but the baseball game is :P

**diquesdick:**  
didn't you play baseball?

**puckstothenet:**  
I lasted about three weeks in little league but, yes, it gave me opinions

but yeah

one underappreciated thing (probably, let's be honest, by me) about baseball is, when the weather is nice, just how fun it can be to hang out outside in the shade and slowly watch people throw balls at each other

I have shivered in so many ice rinks, you don't even know

and don't get me started on american football, aka why are you asking me to sit outside when it's snowing

I'm not sure I'm necessarily *eager* to watch baseball, but it can be a nice way to spend an afternoon

plus if you zone out for a while, nothing has really happened

if something exciting is happening, the people around you will be excited and alert you to look up from watching the pretty clouds overhead and the kid in the next section climbing over all of the seats

**diquesdick:**  
somewhere Luc Chantal just started singing my love for you will still be strong after the boys of summer have gone

**puckstothenet:**  
and he is absolutely correct

AU where Chants got into soccer instead of hockey, so I, too, can sit outside in good weather, drink lemonade, eat pretzels, and shout at the refs

**diquesdick:**  
outdoor games exist

**puckstothenet:**  
see above: you want me to sit outside when it's snowing???

**diquesdick:**  
AU where we can make ice outside in the summer

**puckstothenet:**  
that's the spirit

**diquesdick:**  
and if you do get into soccer, despite the horrible lack of Luc Chantal in it, I will follow you, Mr. Frodo

I will take the fanfiction to Mordor, although I do not know the way

**puckstothenet:**  
I may or may not take you up on it

the women who play soccer are all really hot

but idk I need someone to rec me some fic to really get me into it

and plus I do need a TEAM

I guess this is why I've only ever dipped my toes into it during the olympics, because that just writes itself

**diquesdick:**  
I am amused by the way that we went from "ice hockey is too cold" to "let's get into soccer" and ignored field hockey exists

**puckstothenet:**  
look, devorah

**diquesdick:**  
you're gonna say something about not being able to see the ball, aren't you

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm already in a sport where it's important that the spectators can NEVER see what all those athletes are chasing so furiously

why do you want me in another one?

you may as well ask me to get into golf

or any other sports with tiny balls and grass, I'm sure there's many others

**diquesdick:**  
plus you don't want to

**puckstothenet:**  
that is absolutely true

if you dragged me out to a competitive sports game, probably doesn't matter what sport, and the teams played well and it was exciting, I would probably enjoy it

**diquesdick:**  
because experience

**puckstothenet:**  
because experience!

but I don't know necessarily that I'd go back

and if you want me in the slash fandom, you absolutely have to give me a reason to care

but it is sports fandom so you also have to give me something entertaining to watch, so that I continue to care

because if your sport does not bother to be entertaining, you can try to give some other kind of entertaining around it, but that's diminishing returns real damn fast

I gotta want to care about the latest episode of your sports season and I gotta care about the people doing it

which is why I can only name three fucking hockey teams right now, because they're the only ones with those intersections

**diquesdick:**  
The kings might have something for you to care about next year

**puckstothenet:**  
and then I will care next year

because yeah the additional factor in sports fandom is turnover, so not only do I have to care now, I have to care about more than one specific person, so that I continue to care once that person stops playing

do you remember me caring about the diques before it got Great Storyline Luc Chantal? you do not, because I didn't

but I got on that bandwagon *real fucking fast*

**diquesdick:**  
you did climb that bandwagon with excessive speed and enthusiasm, I recall

**puckstothenet:**  
whereas you cared about the diques because all the great possibilities of a new team and starting over with an existing name

**diquesdick:**  
I did

I came for that but then I stayed for good hockey

because yeah, a good team in potentia has to keep my interest with a good team in actuality

"fair weather fan" or whatever, I don't actually enjoy being bored

if the team isn't winning, that's one thing

but if the team isn't playing good hockey, I have other shit to do with my life

watching a season of hockey is a commitment

**puckstothenet:**  
yep

**diquesdick:**  
I'm not actually sure how long I'd cling to the diques if they 1) played many many seasons of boring hockey, and 2) no longer had interesting slash pairings

I want someone I can squee to about it, either in the sports side or the fannish side

if I don't have anything, it's several hours of watching people in matching outfits try to achieve an objective, badly

**puckstothenet:**  
lol I love you

but like, that's the thing

Chants is gonna stop playing at some point, but if we keep dragging this fandom around, there'll be enough other players I care about to keep the slash going

but what happens when those players all get traded?

Luc Chantal's Rookie Union is a great thing but someday they're all gonna be spread across the country and what will I do then?

am I still gonna care about the diques? probably fucking not.

a sport's not enough. I gotta care about it. Otherwise I may as well watch any team play any other team, it doesn't matter to me that it's this one specific team

**diquesdick:**  
I predict that ten years from now, you are still gonna be writing jacktal

but yeah I make no predictions about anything else

**puckstothenet:**  
jacktal is special because they are legit married

even if something happens, like one of them retires and the other one switches teams, they're still gonna be a pairing

even if they divorce, they're still gonna be a pairing

it's not *situational*, if you know what I mean. A trade won't destroy it like trades have destroyed so many pairings

**diquesdick:**  
yeah

and even when they were on other teams, they were still such a big pairing because of their history and off-ice connection

they don't need to be on a team together, they're each other's team 

but that's like, them and no one else

sometimes you get nostalgia pairings or everyone is still pretending that it's still one specific year and that one specific team lineup

jacktal will transition into different modes but honestly I think it's gonna be fine

aka we can hang out here for a while and don't have to convert to baseball

**puckstothenet:**  
lol

poor baseball

**diquesdick:**  
~~america's pasttime~~

**puckstothenet:**  
note how they don't say "america's sport"

it's america's "fun thing to do on a lazy afternoon"

although I've been offered pick-up soccer games, but never a pick-up baseball game

actually, is it america's pasttime in a viewing sense or a participation sense?

**diquesdick:**  
I haven't the faintest

I think it's more of a slogan than anything else?

**puckstothenet:**  
it's pretty good, though. You know what someone's talking about when they mention it.

I bet you it was invented by some sportswriter in the 1920s and then took on a life of its own

**diquesdick:**  
you're making me wonder if the US has a national sport in the same way it has a national bird

**puckstothenet:**  
...I realize I don't know, but I'd doubt it? But I'm not confident if I'm right or wrong on that

I feel like if baseball WAS an official national sport, we would never hear anything but that from baseball

and football would never stop complaining

**diquesdick:**  
I feel like a "national sport" should be self-evident, not something you have to compete over in the marketplace of ideas

**puckstothenet:**  
so if you argue that your sport should be the national sport, that's a reason why it's not?

**diquesdick:**  
if you even have an argument, neither sport is the national sport

because once you start talking about metrics and engagement and how many people play and how many people watch, you've already lost

if you want sports by how many people can participate in it at a basic level, then stuff like darts or pool or card games are more likely

there are some sports where you can have a thriving newbies-can-enjoy-it atmosphere and sports where you really really can't

the worst of that lot is gymnastics. How is a complete newbie supposed to gymnastics?

whereas something like poker, tell me the rules, let me watch a few hands, let me try to play a hand, and then I'm in. Am I the best? No. Can I enjoy the experience? Yes.

**puckstothenet:**  
troll suggestion: america's pasttime is the stock market

**diquesdick:**  
best troll suggestion

**puckstothenet:**  
could I play the stock market if I really wanted to? sure. Could I ever play pro ball if I wanted to? lol nope

**diquesdick:**  
and there's a whole cottage industry of people trying to convince you to play the stock market in your spare time

**puckstothenet:**  
and an additional cottage industry to convince me I would be terrible at it, but I should pay them to play it instead of me

this analogy is working better and better

**diquesdick:**  
unlike every other sport, there's cultural pressure to play the stock market so you can afford to retire

there is also cultural blame if you don't get lucky enough and lose your shirt

you could do great things to your principal but then there's a crash at the wrong time and whoops, you're fucked

it's gambling, so I guess gambling is america's pasttime?

**puckstothenet:**  
that's depressing

other sports have things going for them, like hotdogs and popcorn and yelling hey batter batter

gambling just makes me think of casinos in movies, which look like migraines encased in architecture

**diquesdick:**  
that's exactly what they are

the leverage hockey AU team get to steal one thing from each major sport and include it into hockey, what do they steal? go.

**puckstothenet:**  
basketball: how fast the game moves

I don't actually know for sure if it does, but basketball is the sport I watch when I'm in some place with various tv channel options and one or several of them are espn

and basketball sure seems to move fast

probably because the ball is in the air, but it's fantastic

your turn

**diquesdick:**  
super bowl scheduling. I don't know for sure when the next super bowl is, but I know vaguely when it is and I can google it and find out the exact date

their schedule is fricking *locked in*

they know when things will happen

they know YEARS IN ADVANCE

none of this bullshit of knowing barely a week before when the playoff games will be

I want this set in fucking stone. I want to be able to schedule around it. I don't want my team to suddenly go on deep playoff run and me to be ANNOYED about it because it fucks up my existing plans

I want to be able to just block it off on my calendars and definitely always 100% have the stanley cup final be on a weekend especially when it's being played on the west coast

that is what we are stealing from football: the goddamn schedule

next

**puckstothenet:**  
baseball: you gotta be able to do more than one thing

hear me out

now I'm not saying that everyone needs to be able to play both offense and defense

but that is exactly what I'm saying

the thing about baseball is, it doesn't matter how much you just want to hit the ball, go whee, and round the bases, you also have to play a position

now, I'm not saying we gotta have top and bottom halves of the innings and make everyone switch and all that

but absolutely I want people switching and all that

"complete player" YEAH BUT CAN YOU DO GOALIE? CAN YOU PUNK?

**diquesdick:**  
no designated hitter, I take it?

**puckstothenet:**  
nope

learn to hit the ball, pitchers. if you only ever wanted to do one thing ever, become a hockey player

so no goalie exemption. Goalies gotta go score some goals.

and your star forwards have to have pucks shot at their faces

gotta walk a mile in someone else's hockey pads

this team is here to steal the vezina and by god they mean it

**diquesdick:**  
ha

**puckstothenet:**  
your turn :P

**diquesdick:**  
uh, soccer's turn, I guess? 

hmmm

okay actually what I want to steal from soccer is how global a sport it is

everyone knows soccer

petition to just start calling it football all the time and make other people have to specify "american football" for the other one

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm on board with it but it may cause some confusion depending on who you're talking to

but yeah, down with the absurdity of calling that sport football, they throw the ball with their hands

**diquesdick:**  
I'm declaring that you have to steal something from tennis now

**puckstothenet:**  
davis cup!

**diquesdick:**  
that... took you less time than I'd thought

**puckstothenet:**  
davis cup is great because it makes all these individual athletes in a very individual sport have to figure out how to play for their country

it's perfect

tennis is so cross-country that you've got all these random doubles teams up just for the olympics because that's just about the only time you have rules about being from the same country

this is just not a thing in tennis!

and then there's the davis cup and guess what YOU ARE THERE FOR YOUR COUNTRY

**diquesdick:**  
so how are we gonna work that into a sport that's already got a world championships every year?

**puckstothenet:**  
we would, by god, make people go to it :P

aka we would stop fucking scheduling it against the playoffs

we can work this in with your regular & set playoffs schedule also so we know when the playoffs are, they aren't going until t-shirt weather, and then we can have worlds

**diquesdick:**  
there is no way we can make players go to worlds

**puckstothenet:**  
we can at least give them the option

and if we have set playoffs, maybe we have a shorter season, so this isn't a case of "we went all the way in the playoffs and you want me to play MORE HOCKEY? my offseason isn't long enough for me to rehydrate as it is!"

which sport has a short season? let's steal that from that sport

**diquesdick:**  
well that one's not tennis, even I know their season is brutal. I'm not entirely sure it actually ends at any point. It's gotta, right? 

**puckstothenet:**  
presumably

**diquesdick:**  
you know what? I feel like american football has a short season. Their playoffs end in February, but doesn't it only start in September or October?

screw it I'm not checking

I just feel like american football players don't play that many games

especially compared to baseball where they do doubleheaders and that bullshit

but the last time the local american football team was trying to build an arena, I remember someone saying their number of home games was fucking tiny

something like 16? 18? whichever it was, it was a lot smaller than the impression that I had

**puckstothenet:**  
it's worse than that, I think it's 8

**diquesdick:**  
it cannot be 8

american football is so fucking dominant that there has got to be more than 8

**puckstothenet:**  
the reason it seems like it's so much is 1) college football, and also 2) every game is broadcast

it's not like some sports I may mention where you may have 4 games in a day but good luck watching them all on the television

**diquesdick:**  
you are blowing my mind but also I call bullshit, it cannot be 8

hockey teams play something like 40 home games

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah, and who goes to all of them?

I think american football is targeting quality over quantity

**diquesdick:**  
fuck me over and feed me chicken soup, I can't handle this

if you are correct, we are SURE FUCKING shortening hockey's season

more doesn't equal more, when american football prints money on that kind of schedule

**puckstothenet:**  
also I still want to shift their schedule, let's have them start in July and end in October

who knows, if you do that, I might go to a game

okay that's not true, I'm still never going to a game

**diquesdick:**  
I can't believe you just made me google american football game schedules

I'm goddamn agog at this

they don't even play every other team each year

**puckstothenet:**  
huh, guess not

**diquesdick:**  
this is what I get for never paying any attention to this sport

**puckstothenet:**  
and yet you know vague things about it, like when their season finale is

**diquesdick:**  
the power of marketing

and that power is very powerful because fucking hell I never knew any of this

suddenly all that bullshit about the stanley cup being the hardest trophy to win starts making sense

**puckstothenet:**  
eh, I mean, I still think baseball plays more games than hockey does

but you can't make me google it, you cannot, I refuse

I've already fallen too far down this rabbit hole

all I wanted to do was steal good stuff to help out hockey

how could that have backfired so badly

**diquesdick:**  
this is the part of the leverage episode where we cut to commercial and then come back to a new plan and strategic flashbacks

**puckstothenet:**  
fuck me you're right it is

COMMERCIAL BREAK

HERE ARE THE MESSAGES FROM OUR SPONSORS

BUY SOME SHIT

and we're back!

anyway what I'm gonna steal from golf is the golf carts

**diquesdick:**  
good decision I approve.

**puckstothenet:**  
you know when you watch boat races and there's people, like, biking next to it? I think those are either coaches or refs?

instead of biking, they should be in golf carts

also it undermines swimming races when you see people walking next to the pool

you're trying to convince me these people are going so fucking fast, and meanwhile someone's just ambling along

admittedly they are going fast for swimming, I sure can't swim at a walking pace

but still, the optics: not great

**diquesdick:**  
what I am stealing from swimming: "technological doping"

the idea that which swimsuit you wear matters if you win or not

it's such a perfect encapsulation of everything wrong with the world and with capitalism and did I mention with the world

some suits are good! some suits are bad! because they give you too much good stuff! and the margins of victory are so fucking small that actually, yes, it matters

fucking absurd

and yes I know this is stealing to give to hockey, I don't care, I'm going to steal it and then lose it so no one can have it

if the margin of victory is so small that what kind of speedo you're wearing is the difference between gold and last place, just call it a tie and also maybe stop competing in that sport

because there's no competition left to have

everyone is great at it! the only way to have an edge is ... well, we're gonna call it cheating because we don't like it

declare that humans have victoried over swimming and let's go home

**puckstothenet:**  
seems legit

**diquesdick:**  
we are stealing photo finishes from EVERY SPORT and reintroducing the concept of ties

we can take them from soccer if we need to

soccer fucking loves ties

**puckstothenet:**  
oh, hockey could use that, too

I don't know why hockey decided to hate ties

**diquesdick:**  
the thrill of victory! the agony of defeat! 

**puckstothenet:**  
also, taking away photo finishes doesn't count, you gotta appreciate the contributions other sports can make to hockey :P

**diquesdick:**  
the contribution swimming can make to hockey is spandex

**puckstothenet:**  
fully reasonable assertion, I agree with you

**diquesdick:**  
now you gotta say something nice about track and field

**puckstothenet:**  
oh if we're including field, I am totally stealing the idea of throwing stuff

I wanna see people throw that puck at the net

I want to see distance, I want to see technique, I want to see form

I'm on board with puck throwing hockey

so that covers, what, two field events? maybe more? they blend together

oh and the jumping ones! I wanna see if anyone can jump over the net without toppling it over

field events are fabulous even if it would take me five or ten minutes to remember all of them

track, on the other hand, is people running in circles, and if we put that into hockey, it's just speed skating

**diquesdick:**  
hmmm. what contribution can speed skating make

**puckstothenet:**  
shoving being against the rules

**diquesdick:**  
heresy

**puckstothenet:**  
hey, you asked

**diquesdick:**  
Anything else from the track and field genre? I know you are offended by the very concept of marathons.

**puckstothenet:**  
That is correct

**diquesdick:**  
I like the baton races where it seems like none of the highly trained elite athletes have ever seen a baton before. I'd compare that to nights certain left wingers seem to have never seen a puck before and have no interest in changing that

**puckstothenet:**  
Meanie head

What did Isaackson ever do to earn your disdain?

**diquesdick:**  
The three different overtime losses, for one

**puckstothenet:**  
One player doesn't lose, the team loses!

**diquesdick:**  
Great, the entire Seattle roster never saw a puck before

**puckstothenet:**  
That's the spirit

Poor Mark Machado, he deserves better

let's campaign to get him traded to a better team

**diquesdick:**  
which one?

**puckstothenet:**  
Rangers, they could use some wingers, all they have are centers and d-pairings and one and a half goalies

**diquesdick:**  
I don't know if the rangers count as a better team than seattle this year

**puckstothenet:**  
it's all about the build and the future and I can't even say it

yeah whatever hockey sucks let's all go watch baseball

does baseball have the same bullshit that hockey does where if someone is over 30, they are the most old that ever olded?

**diquesdick:**  
they definitely have people who have very long careers

I don't actually know how often that happens because I don't follow baseball, but yeah, that's the impression that I get

but I do not know how annoyed they are when someone dares to have a birthday

**puckstothenet:**  
alas

**diquesdick:**  
olympic sailing has some old people in it, if you want long careers

**puckstothenet:**  
I am not rich enough to follow sailing

**diquesdick:**  
true

**puckstothenet:**  
are there any other sports in the world?

**diquesdick:**  
nope we've covered all of them

**puckstothenet:**  
cool

Crash taps me on the shoulder and said what about surfing

I'm not taking anything from surfing for hockey

my brain isn't working

is yours?

**diquesdick:**  
surfing... has a coolness factor to it? people do it for fun?

"learning to surf" is a legit bucket list item for folks. "learn to play hockey" generally is not

**puckstothenet:**  
true

although if we wanna talk barriers to entry, wow, surfing has Many

**diquesdick:**  
hence the bucket listing

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah

**diquesdick:**  
do you ever wanna go surfing?

**puckstothenet:**  
I am realistic about my balance, my swimming ability, and my ability to see without my glasses

aka no

but if you wanna go, I'll hang out on the beach

**diquesdick:**  
I'm meh on it.

the only bucket list involving a beach I have is a bucket for a sandcastle

one day once I have control of the nhl's schedule, we'll get tickets to the final game of the stanley cup playoffs and you'll get to see the cup awarded and boo bettman in person the way you've always wanted

we'll book tickets in the closest hotel to the rink months in advance, so while everyone else is trying to get out, we'll just walk over to the hotel bar

toast predictable schedules and the ability to make advance plans until sunrise

**puckstothenet:**  
that sounds fantastic

but you are never gonna get anyone to agree to not doing a best of whatever series

never ever

**diquesdick:**  
american football doesn't and neither does proper football, the world cup is sudden death after group stages and it's still the most popular sporting event on the planet as far as I know

hockey will just have to get over itself and join the feetballs

**puckstothenet:**  
come to think of it, a best of whatever series wouldn't be insurmountable so long as it didn't keep moving around between games and the site was picked in advance, none of this home ice stuff

so we'd camp out for a week in, like, Hartford

games every second day, and we'd spend the off days doing the tourist stuff in the area

that would be a really great vacation, now I've talked myself into it

tourist stuff one day, scream yourself hoarse at games the next, and then someone gets a big shiny bowl at the end

then we go home and never go back to Hartford again, we've seen all there is to see

and repeat again next year in a totally different city

dammit. Now I really really want this.

but probably the closest we can come to this is the olympics. I know the world cup is across multiple cities, because... I don't actually know why. Probably enough arenas, plus the crowds.

but you've talked me into this. 

**diquesdick:**  
see? it's a great thing to steal 

**puckstothenet:**  
okay you know actually wait

because I think you've found a solution to the thing where I stop caring about the playoffs once teams I care about lose

if you divorce the stanley cup final from the teams playing it it, and make it its own thing

like, that thing is the important thing, and the teams are honored to get to play in it (and honestly that's half their marketing already, that's not hard, this league doesn't promote players, that'd be foolish)

but it's like how my moms have hosted a super bowl party for the last 12 years and last year I asked Mama Lillian who was playing in it, and she didn't know

but they've got friends over, they've got food, there's the game on in the living room and people can watch it if they care enough to

it's an excuse to hang out and be social

and it's low key since no one there actually cares enough about football to be mad if their team loses

imagine we had a stanley cup final in some random city, so it was about the cup and, hey, maybe about the history of the city, their own hockey achievements, famous nhlers who came from there, whatever

and then some teams showed up and played a game

and it was enough of an event that even I'd watch it, even if it's the preds again

because, again, with your scheduling, this is on a weekend afternoon/evening, we've got enough lead up for promo and preparation, we got the hype going, everything is awesome

THAT is how I will care about your playoffs enough to watch them even if I have no skin in this game

never again will I repeat the experience of waking up on a thursday, look blearily at some texts on my phone telling me the avs won, stumble to work, and only an hour later realize y'all meant the avs won the stanley fucking cup

**diquesdick:**  
you were a zombie that year, sending me the weirdest zombie texts

"is the sun inside out?" - puck griffin-schwartz, 2024

**puckstothenet:**  
I stand by that

but god yeah also I think the playoffs went more than two full fucking months that year

it was a long slog at work and it was probably an even longer slog for anyone paying any attention to hockey

whose idea was four best of seven rounds anyway? it's not gripping theater, it's a game of chicken with exhaustion, injuries, and fan burnout

"the goalie might get hot" yeah well then the goalie got hot, I don't know how to tell you but the goalie is on the team too, it sounds like a team doing well and not stealing a win

**diquesdick:**  
best of three is probably the most I'll go for multiple rounds, if I can't have a knockout tournament (please give me a knockout tournament)

because I like your fantasy of let's go to some place for a week, we'll have 2 or 3 games to watch, 2 or 3 days to hang out and/or day trip, and then we leave

I think that's a good mix

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah I like rounds of 3, if we must have rounds

I just don't like that you could play a full tournament of march madness while we're still figuring out conference champions

ugh

I love how I sound like I don't like the playoffs when really it's the regular season I don't like :P

but taking a snip to that, too, might make me care. It's just so fucking long and has so much filler

maybe players wouldn't hate the all star game so much if it wasn't dangling the idea of a break in front of them and then snatching it away and tell them, go skate around meaninglessly

at least the playoffs mean something

I won't say "every game counts" because best of 7 means even there you could have two or even four games of filler

best of 3 gets it down to essentials. No wasted games. No wasted effort. Can you win or can't you? Like, sure, best of 1 would do that even better, but there's sure a lot of hockey people who want to talk to me about coin-flips and flukes or hate that goalies are important (because only forwards should be important??? fuck those guys)

**diquesdick:**  
so how about this:

october: preseason

november - mid-february: season

late-february: playoffs

march: all star game

april: worlds

may: it's nice outside, we're going outside

in olympic years, we will push the playoffs to late march (2 week olympic break, 2 week finishing regular season as a break for the players who went to the olympics not immediately have to go into playoffs) and not have an all star game

OR we could have olympics, then an all star game that no olympic player goes to, so they can have a break

then we can capitalize on olympic promo and be like "hey did you like olympic hockey? good news, you can now watch more high quality hockey, here's a 2 week playoff whirlwind"

I have now solved every problem the NHL has

**puckstothenet:**  
I like how you're giving the all star game an entire month

**diquesdick:**  
players get a month to rest and heal up and maybe they can go to the ASG to have some actual fun and blow off steam

but having the ASG after the playoffs makes a million more sense than shoving it halfhazardly into the season

it's an exhibition! do it after the season to exhibit your good players! and with a shorter season, maybe the best players won't be so broken down that they won't mind taking a victory lap in a pressure-free game

have the team who won the cup host the ASG a month later, really get that victory celebration cemented and keep the marketing going in the home market

**puckstothenet:**  
this does sound really nice

**diquesdick:**  
I know, I'm a sports genius

**puckstothenet:**  
now just become a leverage genius, steal the nhl, so we can make this happen

**diquesdick:**  
lol, I'll definitely get on that

how goes writing?

**puckstothenet:**  
chants and jacks have to distract someone so they have a really loud fight about who is the best player between two

not sure which two, though?

**diquesdick:**  
mcdavid and draisaitl

**puckstothenet:**  
thanks

(mcdavid wins, though)

**diquesdick:**  
(lol)

(who is better, chants or jacks?)

**puckstothenet:**  
(they're both the best at their positions!!!!!111!!!)

**diquesdick:**  
(yeah but for real)

**puckstothenet:**  
(don't do this to me. I'll pick Generational Talent Luc Chantal and hate myself forever.)

(please pick Also Generational Talent Oliver Jackson to make me feel better)

**diquesdick:**  
(I can absolutely do that)

(did you get into a fight again?)

**puckstothenet:**  
(if someone is gonna be asshole enough to come up to me and say "you don't really like oliver jackson, he's only good when on a line with luc chantal", they had it coming they had it coming they had it coming all along)

(also what is up with people deciding there's a rivalry between them?)

(some people just don't understand what "married since the draft" means. Spoiler: they are married)

(it does not mean there's a rivalry)

(even if there WAS a rivalry, which there isn't, that doesn't mean I have to pick sides)

(also, being a fan of luc chantal means that I know that if someone says oliver jackson is bad at hockey, I am not a true fan of luc chantal if I let them get away with that)

(just because if I had had had had HAD to pick between them in terms of who is a better overall hockey player, I would pick Chants does not mean that Jacks isn't equally as great!!!!)

(mr. golden goal is a good hockey player! a very excellent hockey player!)

**diquesdick:**  
also you're allergic to rivalries

**puckstothenet:**  
I am absolutely allergic to rivalries

between players: IT'S A TEAM SPORT

between teams: PLAYER TURN OVER

team rivalries are just brands and logos being mad at other brands and logos, but not having the guts to tag their anthropomorfic 

players can hate each other all they like, that doesn't make them rivals, it just makes them people who don't like each other

you have to be rivalling for something! or else it doesn't count and it's just that not a big deal

people can hate each other all they want, it's a free country, but that doesn't mean it's INTERESTING

**diquesdick:**  
I am revoking your membership in the foeyay club

**puckstothenet:**  
:(

**diquesdick:**  
would you like to plead your case for reinstatement?

**puckstothenet:**  
I would!

**diquesdick:**  
proceed

**puckstothenet:**  
rivals and foes are not the same

rivals want the same thing; foes want opposite things

if we both want to be the best chocolate chip cookie maker, we would be rivaling each other for that achievement

if I want to be the best chocolate chip cookie maker, but you want to me not to be, we are foes

those are bad examples, but you get the idea

foes are fundamentally opposed to each other because of opposing goals

rivals have the same goal

**diquesdick:**  
okay you can be reinstated to the foeyay club

**puckstothenet:**  
*\o/*

**diquesdick:**  
however, by the logic you just said, jacks and chants are in fact rivals

**puckstothenet:**  
nuh-uh, rivalry takes intentionality

just because they're both eligible for the same awards does not mean they're rivals automatically

they have to WANT to be rivals

plus, cogs in the machine aren't rivals to each other, I'm not a rival to my corresponding person at other relevant jobs

what are you able to do, on your own, to get one up on your rival? can you control your own ice time? can you control what lines you're on?

tennis players can be rivals because the nature of tennis is that one person plays another person and can directly defeat them

in a team sport, you don't have that, at all

**diquesdick:**  
do you consider it to be possible to be rivals at training camp when you're both vying for spots on the roster?

or do you think that doesn't count because the players don't make that decision, someone else does?

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah, that one

if you gotta hope you impressed some third party enough, then you don't have a real rivalry with someone

you should in fact have solidarity with those "rivals"

you are lego pieces in the same plastic boat, being towed by the same overenthusiastic toddler, and some of you will spill out onto the rug, but it's not really up to you

you could be the best lego piece in that entire boat, but the toddler doesn't want any left handed dmen this year, and so you go back to the minors

you can't be a rival if you got no control

you're just a job candidate

**diquesdick:**  
I'm not entirely sure you're being consistent here :p

**puckstothenet:**  
meh, consistency is for other people

I acknowledge that some players consider themselves rivals to other players. Those players are incorrect. But if they feel like that competition is necessary to their self-worth, eh, I don't give a fuck

They can think that all they want, but until they can effect change, they're not

**diquesdick:**  
under your definitions, I'm not sure I can think of any rivals

you may have redefined the term out of existence

**puckstothenet:**  
but the aforementioned chocolate chip cookie makers!

**diquesdick:**  
there would still need to external validation of who won. Someone has to judge, or you have external metrics likes sales, which is also heavily influenced by if they are also champion marketers

**puckstothenet:**  
tennis players, then. Every point made by one player is a loss the other player allowed.

While there is still officiating, there is no judging. If we play tennis and I win, then you have lost, because I beat you, or vice versa. Thus we can develop a rivalry.

**diquesdick:**  
I'm not buying it

**puckstothenet:**  
the thing is, most people don't have rivals in the normal course of events

when you think about it, be a rival with someone is a really weird thing to be

you are so caught up in wanting to achieve a thing, but you are also caught up in competing with someone else who is also trying to achieve a thing

this isn't a straight up normal competitor relationship

you are INVESTED in beating a specific other person to the goal

it's already an artificial environment that you'd even have this to begin with

when in your entire life have you ever had a situation where you could even have a rival?

**diquesdick:**  
...I'm not sure

We didn't have them, but I'd imagine some would care about class rankings in school

In your argument, there is no way for me to negatively influence your class ranking (without, I suppose, active sabotage), I can only try to boost my own, but I still think you can rival someone for valedictorian

**puckstothenet:**  
rivalry as a state of mind and/or being, so if you decide you are a rival, then you are?

**diquesdick:**  
yep

**puckstothenet:**  
okay but what about reciprocity? If you decide I'm your rival, and I think you're not my rival, am I your rival or aren't I?

**diquesdick:**  
I don't think reciprocity is necessary. I can consider you my rival, and you can ignore my existence

this is how we get angst fic after all

**puckstothenet:**  
hmmm

but I think the angst fic speaks to my point

**diquesdick:**  
or is this like you thinking it's insulting to the rest of the competitors if only a couple of the competitors think each other's a rival?

**puckstothenet:**  
it's an external application of rivalry onto something

yes!

you know me well

**diquesdick:**  
it is not insulting for the top competitors to consider themselves in a competition of their own

**puckstothenet:**  
but when someone breaks through and beats one of them, it is deserved or is it resented?

because the competitors MAY NOT mind, they may be totally fine with it

but the TELEVISION PEOPLE? god it's like someone punched their cabbage patch kid if someone disrupts the narratives they've built

my problem with rivalries, yeah, I guess, is that I've only ever seen them imposed from the top down, in order to market a competition

there's some competitors who are trying to be the best and may have never given another competitor any attention at all, because they are focused on their own performance

but then external forces show up and want to SELL THE STORY

and then try to get the competitors on board with them to SELL THE STORY

especially when it's an international competition, and each competitor very well may have a rival, but it's a rival back home, it's someone they're competing against to get into the international competition

they may not give a fuck about the person next to them on the starting line who they only ever see once a year, or quite frankly may never have actually met before

**diquesdick:**  
ah, I see, you're still holding a grudge about the 1998 Olympics

**puckstothenet:**  
let's be fair, I am holding a grudge about every Olympics

it's the one time every four years people discover these sports, but instead of treating it like an opportunity to experience new sports, the presumed experts get handed a sheet of paper with the storyline they're going with, and then if someone dares to be good at their sport, it is a problem

they have fluff pieces put together! won't somebody please think of the fluff pieces!

**diquesdick:**  
I do not think of the fluff pieces and neither should you

**puckstothenet:**  
yes. any time they are showing fluff they are not showing the sport

you know, the thing we're all here to watch

but then I just happen to catch someone saying something stupid and I remember it FOREVER

**diquesdick:**  
this is why you are only allowed to watch sporting events that have commentary while muted or with commentators who speak in languages you don't understand, unless it's the bbc

plus, we all get to learn important vocabulary in other languages. Is it important to know the words for win and lose in four languages? Who knows, you never know when that could become useful

**puckstothenet:**  
one day I'm gonna actually learn French and then we'll all be in trouble

**diquesdick:**  
yes, we will be

**puckstothenet:**  
Important cross-language vocabulary: I'm just here to do my best and have fun!

Unimportant cross-language vocabulary: Pardon me, can you please point me in the direction of a grocery store?

**diquesdick:**  
Unimportant cross-language vocabulary: this is a shock! No one could ever have foreseen this outcome!

**puckstothenet:**  
*head turns toward that with the unerring direction ability of outrage*

**diquesdick:**  
Which is why it is unimportant!

**puckstothenet:**  
lol, fair

you have valid concerns about enjoyment-watching suddenly becoming unexpected!hate-watching just because someone says something enraging and destroys the fun I was having, mood ruining whiplash in my neck

**diquesdick:**  
I mean, I get it, you're annoyed at false expertise

people who are put up by their position as being the arbiters of correct sports outcomes and you know more than they do enough to know they are wrong

**puckstothenet:**  
but they're wrong in ways that show they didn't even try!

**diquesdick:**  
and that offends you because you respect expertise, or, at least, you respect that other people have put in the time and work, and then there's these assholes spouting off like they know stuff when all they have is good researchers who gave them a script

they can't extemporize because they don't know shit

which bugs you

but sweet puck, their job is not to know things

their job is to talk in the background

it is not their fault you got into a wikipedia edit war with someone who believed them and tried to cite them as experts

**puckstothenet:**  
it damn well is their fault

**diquesdick:**  
you're the first one to say that sports is an entertainment product, well, they're part of the entertainment, they are not sports scholars

most of them have played the sport but that doesn't make them an expert in it, and it doesn't mean they know all that's going on like actual fans do

**puckstothenet:**  
okay but the most egregious examples are the ones who don't know rules changes made 15+ years ago

**diquesdick:**  
and their job isn't officiating, where they would have to know the rules

their job is ratings, ratings, ratings

if their job was being good at the sport in a non-playing capacity, they'd probably have a kind of job that would be a conflict for a commentating position

**puckstothenet:**  
those who can, do, those who can't, work for NBC?

I used to belong to a forum that made an actual rule that, in live watch threads, you could not complain about NBC because then the entire thread would be filled with complaining about NBC

but my joy was every so often, someone would be VPNing and this would be their first experience of NBC and they'd discover with horror that we were not being hyperbolic in our kvetching

I know I say "entertainment" a lot, but there's sports entertainment, and then there's sports entertainment that barely bothers to show the sport

no one tunes in to a sports event to watch the sport, assumes NBC

ugh. tell me something happy-making.

**diquesdick:**  
I've been working on the pairings examples for the Same Spot In The Draft challenge

**puckstothenet:**  
hard mode: no top picks

**diquesdick:**  
yeah, we're covered on crosby/ovechkin and crosby/fleury, plus the many edmonton options

**puckstothenet:**  
are there any at all outside the first round?

**diquesdick:**  
it gets really hard once you go past the first, oh, ten picks

we may have to invent some pairings

new challenge: ship two people who got drafted at the same place in the 3rd round

**puckstothenet:**  
new challenge: find two people who got drafted in the same place in the 3rd round, who are full-time NHLers at the same time

**diquesdick:**  
I would 100% need to build a database for that

**puckstothenet:**  
it amazes me how picks seem to get thrown around in trades, when picks seem to be mostly worthless in the long run, and someone who has shown they can play in the nhl is much more valuable

**diquesdick:**  
ah, but it is the hope of the future they are trading

you never know when you'll pick a guy out of the 6th round who'll win you a stanley cup

is it likely? no. But is it the dream of the future of every GM? sure.

I'd have an easier time of Slash The Undrafted than Slash The Third Round, but that's not this challenge, alas

**puckstothenet:**  
the future is always ahead of you and therefore always filled with possibilities and wins

except yesterday was five years ago's bright future, but shhhh

**diquesdick:**  
yes but 5 years ago was a different GM, and 5 years from now will be a different GM

**puckstothenet:**  
someone really *should* steal the nhl, just for its own good

you'd think good long-term planning was what the owners were for, but who am I kidding, nhl owners are not value-added

**diquesdick:**  
team doing well: let's sell the team and make a profit!

team doing badly: let's sell the team and cut our losses!

team breaking even: does not compute.

**puckstothenet:**  
team breaking even: let's dump our contracts, tighten payroll, discover that getting rid of reasons for fans to show up does not magically increase revenue, team is now doing badly, let's sell the team and cut our losses

**diquesdick:**  
"I know, let's fire our entire marketing department, fans will really show up if they don't know anything about our games!"

**puckstothenet:**  
I don't even know which team you're parodying there since that could be, like, ten of them

**diquesdick:**  
yep

**puckstothenet:**  
one day, just one day, when a team cries poverty, we all get to see their books

**diquesdick:**  
trauma flashback to the time a few years ago you decided you wanted any team that had been a cap floor team for more than two years in a row to be shut down

**puckstothenet:**  
I wasn't wrong, though

I wasn't saying "shut down the blue jackets no matter what because they have offended me"

I was saying hey maybe the fact that the team administration doesn't care to either pay the players or make a good team is them ripping off the fans and we should have a mechanism to make them stop

like, "shut up and make a good nhl team", you know?

cap floor teams are just saying fuck you to the idea of quality and it really really is an insult to the players, who are the parts of the team you're supposed to care about, right???

and it's saying fuck you to the fans also, so anyway, folks shouldn't have been mad at me, I was standing up for their interests as fans :P 

don't be mad at me, be mad at their teams's front office, that took them (AND THEIR CASH) for granted

but if the team is saying we can't afford to have a good team and pay for it, well, you wanted capitalism? here's some capitalism for you. Your franchise is over.

like, being loyal to the end, despite good times and bad times, promotions or firings, whatever life throws at you, is great in a relationship with a human being

but this is a sports team that doesn't give a fuck about you on a personal level

**diquesdick:**  
so really what you want to steal from real football is the concept of relegation

**puckstothenet:**  
YES

let's incentivize teams not to suck

**diquesdick:**  
concept: the nhl introduces relegation, the diques have a ton of injuries, lose everything, get relegated to the ahl

**puckstothenet:**  
omg that'd be amazing

**diquesdick:**  
??????

**puckstothenet:**  
YES can you IMAGINE

they then have to dig their way back to the top! it'd be so good to watch

also, yes, I know, so many practical reasons it wouldn't work at all, BUT

just

imagine that happens

imagine they do really great the next season

THE COMEBACK

THE MOVIE RIGHTS

WATCHING SOME ACTOR WHO HAS NEVER SEEN HOCKEY IN HIS LIFE TRY TO PLAY LUC CHANTAL

the interviews where he says he's had two hours of ice time and now ~~understands the role~~

**diquesdick:**  
the moment the studio is like "okay but who's the love interest" and has to deal with ALL THAT

**puckstothenet:**  
omg

someone being like "this'll be easy, Svetlana Volkov--"

**diquesdick:**  
"they broke up, actually"

**puckstothenet:**  
"but she's still in a show called hockey WIVES"

**diquesdick:**  
"she's a supermodel who is connected with hockey, are you kidding, of course she's on this show"

**puckstothenet:**  
"are we SURE they're broken up? maybe they had a dramatic reconciliation"

**diquesdick:**  
Crash ends up the love interest, probably

Luc Chantal: "...did you guys forget I'm married to Best Hockey Player Oliver Jackson?"

**puckstothenet:**  
no no no, they need conflict, they need drama, they need Chants and Jacks huddled at the end of a hallway, having a seething argument about Vital Hockey Things

but they also need the love interest

trying to have Chants and Jacks as having Hockey Leadership Problems *and* also having Married People Relationship Problems is too complicated. It's overlapping storylines, it won't work

you need to reconcile with the bro over victory, and ALSO have romantic success

having it be the same person will confuse the audience

**diquesdick:**  
no, the hockey is a METAPHOR

this is a relationship drama and also a sports movie but at the same time

the team got relegated = jacktal are on the outs, oh noes

the team has a dramatic comeback = jacktal are off the couch and are having valentines day dates again

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm into this

fuck it, one of us should write this

**diquesdick:**  
I nominate you, I wanna see you write the outsider POV story of the development on this film

**puckstothenet:**  
I will get right on that after I finish stealing the nhl on behalf of womens hockey

**diquesdick:**  
how's that one going?

**puckstothenet:**  
I still have more notes than words

I may end up eliding the actual heist goal entirely

heist itself = fun? lots of banter and suspense

the details of what they're doing and why = im-fucking-possible

"we succeeded in our goal, let's go celebrate"

I get depressed when I'm forced to confront the intrinsic corruption in rich people systems, and the nhl is a corrupt rich person system

fuck it let's steal it

but hockey was already stolen by these assholes and that makes me sad

**diquesdick:**  
yeah definitely just focus on the fun parts on the heist

if the leverage team shows up, there's already been a major failure

they are the bad guys who are the only good guys you get, they are self-aware that this whole thing shouldn't be happening, but hey, since it is, they're gonna help

they will help you but if someone gives them a good story, they'll also convince you that you're having hallucinations or about to die or that you live in inception

the genre requires the audience to feel like the villain has it coming but sometimes the leverage crew, uh, does not reach that burden of audience sympathy

anything extra-judicial has gotta be balanced between Cool And Unusual Punishment and Stop Hitting Him He's Already Dead

for hacker!Jacks, I'm having the villain be someone who is leaning on the folks to both fuck with the puck tracking data and also with the ~~insert minor league here~~ players to throw the game

so the villain is a villain to just about everyone and is doing it just for cash purposes

we are not playing on or exploiting anyone's fears of how easily all things in a technological world can be taken from you without you having a way to do anything to stop it

**puckstothenet:**  
I appreciate that

**diquesdick:**  
I suppose one lesson of Leverage is that vulnerable can't stop themselves from being exploited by the villains or by the crew, but that the collateral damage of the ones the leverage crew does is supposed to be worth it

it hurts you but helps someone else, although I guess you don't know it was for that

**puckstothenet:**  
leverage is really great, I really like it, if I think about it too hard, I start sobbing

**diquesdick:**  
for your birthday, I'll give you a fic where there's a secondary team that goes around after the leverage team and cleans up their messes

**puckstothenet:**  
they provide... coverage

**diquesdick:**  
lol

**puckstothenet:**  
"did the leverage team make you think you were about to lose your job and so you didn't buy a house you found that was close to a grocery store and a playground and you lost your chance? we'll find you a replacement and pay your mortgage and give your kid that scholarship to math camp!"

**diquesdick:**  
"did the leverage team get you fired because they grifted you into doing something in violation of company policy so they could get access to private or classified information? Here's 12-months severance and the assistance of a top-notch recruiter to get another job, plus we'll remove the "not eligible for rehire" mark in your old job's HR system."

**puckstothenet:**  
"did the leverage team lie to you that they'd found your cat? We'll find your cat."

**diquesdick:**  
lol yeah

honestly though the number of people who probably get fired in the wake of leverage jobs who didn't deserve it is probably... high

**puckstothenet:**  
new concept: someone posts on one of those message boards that the leverage folks troll for new cases and is all angry about these grifters who came in and, idk, destroyed their one big chance at a break through, costing them years of work and maybe even their career

and the leverage team digs into it

and is like "...oh"

**diquesdick:**  
"I was in charge of organizing my company's face-to-face, which I didn't even want to do, but I'm a woman and so that's what happens, and then the magic act I booked kidnapped the CEO in one of those magic boxes and used him to break into a secure room and so I got fired for not doing due diligence and background checking and all that, and now I'm behind on rent and my car broke down and my dog ran away and my kid needs braces and no one will hire me, please, leverage team, help me, please make this right"

**puckstothenet:**  
Nate: "look, I can explain"

you know the one I always wonder about? the mob wedding episode where they dump a duffel full of mob cash in the newleyweds trunk

I want a spin off just for that

**diquesdick:**  
one thing that would be nifty, actually, is one where one of their freelance gigs come back to bite them, did they ever do any episode on that?

since they all do extra-curriculars on vacation

**puckstothenet:**  
except for Eliot, who vacations by working as a mercenary for the US government

we all *wish* he spent his vacations just stealing the mona lisa

**diquesdick:**  
"Eliot, this is an intervention. We care about you. Please come with us to France to steal some artwork. We can stop by as many culinary schools as you like."

**puckstothenet:**  
A-plot: Eliot is doing an intensive bread course

B-plot: Parker and Hardison are rappelling off a building, clutching big bags with $$$ signs on them

C-plot: every so often they call Nate and Sophie on the phone; Nate and Sophie are in wine country, doing wine forgery things

**diquesdick:**  
love it

the reverse episode, Nate and Sophie keep getting calls from Parker and Hardison asking them to explain the different kinds of nearly-identical breads because Eliot's face is doing the thing when they ask about it

**puckstothenet:**  
"Focus on the crumb," Sophie advises them knowingly. "Compliment the crust."

**diquesdick:**  
"Should we be talking about yeast so much?" Parker asks worryingly.

**puckstothenet:**  
you know what? I'm willing to bet Eliot has a sourdough starter that he's named and I just completely forgot about it, but I'd bet you it's in the show

**diquesdick:**  
"it's a very distinctive starter"

maybe Eliot travels too much to keep a starter alive by himself

he hires it out to a friend and visits a lot, though

**puckstothenet:**  
at the brew pub, somebody's job is to feed Eliot's Distinctive Starter

**diquesdick:**  
they start selling merch

**puckstothenet:**  
they absolutely start selling merch

it's on tote bags all over portland

**diquesdick:**  
who wouldn't want to wear a ball cap that has a picture of a bubbling starter and the words "BREW" beneath it

**puckstothenet:**  
if you come in at starter feeding time at the brewpub, legend says you can get some of it to bring home for your own

legend does not say WHEN it is fed

so there's a bunch of folks who camp out at the brew pub, hoping to find just the time

**diquesdick:**  
someone who knows someone who knows someone who knows someone swears her friend got some once

**puckstothenet:**  
Parker's approached one day by someone awkwardly asking her for starter and she thinks it's another con artist team

but no, it's just someone who wants to compare portland sourdough strains for their dissertation

**diquesdick:**  
Keep Portland Yeasty: A Comparison Of Urban Yeast Cultures

**puckstothenet:**  
it is an important contribution to the literature

**diquesdick:**  
someone somewhere reads the paper and is like "is that Eliot Spencer????"

**puckstothenet:**  
"sample X sure sounds a lot like that bread he fed me once in an undisclosed location"

**diquesdick:**  
the superiority of leverage is you never hear about James Bond maintaining a sourdough starter

no wait

the sourdough starter is James Bond. That's why the actor keeps changing, they decided to start feeding it a different kind of flour to see what happened

**puckstothenet:**  
James Bond Actors As Flour Types, coming soon to an internet near you

Brosnan is my favorite Bond so he gets to be my favorite kind of flour, that's just logic

King Arthur bread flour has been claimed :P

**diquesdick:**  
I want Daniel Craig to be cake flour and I can't even explain why

These are the thing that are so hard to explain to people

like, yes, of course the James Bond actors are types of flour

I never thought of that five minutes ago, I probably won't be thinking of it tomorrow, but for right now, it makes perfect sense 

**puckstothenet:**  
fun with spurious categorization

Sean Connery is whole wheat flour BECAUSE people hold up Connery as the nostalgic best but, like, no Bond movie is a cinematic classic, that's just nostalgia

and people keep telling me whole wheat flour is the best but I'm also unconvinced

but whole wheat flour is Good For Me (tm) in a way that Sean Connery movies are meant to be good for the franchise

they did create the franchise so I guess??????

I have seen every Connery Bond movie, because I've seen every Bond movie but the last two. I could not tell you anything that happens in a Connery Bond movie except that woman got painted gold and died, or whatever happened there

**diquesdick:**  
I have a visceral memory of him saying "Pussy Galore". I was too young to understand what was going on with that name or any of the other misogynistic names, but that one really stuck with me

**puckstothenet:**  
ugh you're right, I can also hear it. But I may also just be hearing people doing Sean Connery impressions saying that.

wait, I bet you Eliot is the one doing the dissertation on the Portland sourdough starters

hidden depths

**diquesdick:**  
smash cut to Eliot inside a kitchen with 5 bowls of bubbling things in front of him

Parker: is something wrong with Colonel Yeastifer?

(Hardison named it.)

**puckstothenet:**  
they just got back from doing a job involving a flour mill

Eliot came back with a lot of different samples

this is For Science

Hardison is assisting by setting up cameras to capture events

Parker makes pretzels

everybody wins

**diquesdick:**  
someone give me sourdough pretzels right now

**puckstothenet:**  
same

next season on leverage: let's go steal... some light refreshments

**diquesdick:**  
perhaps some light refreshments to eat at the ballpark as we watch baseball, which we are stealing

**puckstothenet:**  
at this rate, I think it'd be easier to get me to write stealing baseball than stealing hockey

plus baseball already has some stealing in it

hockey doesn't really have stealing bases

but it should

**diquesdick:**  
it definitely should, somehow

**puckstothenet:**  
no, wait, I've got a great idea

the client is Jack Eichel or another sufficiently fucked over hockey player, we can change the names to protect the innocent

**diquesdick:**  
David McConnor

**puckstothenet:**  
but it's some guy who is so good at hockey and had so much promise and has seen years and years of his life, his prime playing career, fucking wasted, while other people profited

and he knows he'll never get a cup

and he knows he'll never get those years back

and he knows no one will ever relegate his team to the minors or force his team to close, despite my best efforts

he knows that his dream is squashed and he knows there are so many others like him

and he knows the NHL does not fucking care about him

and he wants the buffalo sabers, I'm sorry, I mean, he wants his team to regret it

and by the team he means the owners, since the owners keep firing pretty much everyone but oh look, how interesting that nothing really changes

it's almost as if the owners priority isn't creating a great hockey team and contending for the cup

it's almost as if nhl owners are not value-added

**diquesdick:**  
well, they're not

**puckstothenet:**  
and this client points his finger at that villain and says to the leverage team, I want you to make this right

I want you to steal it and I don't want you to give it back

**diquesdick:**  
(I think we call those hostile take-overs)

**puckstothenet:**  
because that's what the team does a lot of times? they steal things for a moment and then that moment's over

but even if something great happened, you aren't getting those years back of his life

and the way the nhl rewards teams who are doing bad doesn't differentiate between "had a bad year but will rebound" (aka the sharks) vs "had a bad year because they're badly managed and that won't ever change" (SO MANY)

so all those top draft picks going to teams that will waste their talent and potential, won't develop them properly, won't give them good line mates, won't give them great chances, and will shame them if they ever want to leave

the nhl has a monopoly; it's not like they can go get a job somewhere else

"oh yeah so we squandered your elc years but we totally promise you we'll change, now sign for 8 years"

and there's no consequences on those teams for sucking, none at all, the ones who pay the price are the ones who could have been a contender, but got drafted to some asshole team

"oh, draft bust" did you perhaps. ever consider. that you sent that high draft pick. to a terrible team.

**diquesdick:**  
this season on leverage: the crew goes trust-busting

**puckstothenet:**  
they should!

**diquesdick:**  
actually, you know what? it's that player's fault

if they REALLY want to make the playoffs, they can do it themselves and drag their team along behind them

because ice hockey is an individual sport

**puckstothenet:**  
the funny part is the the only position that could conceivably do that is goalie and yet goalies get no damn respect at all

and if a goalie DOES do it, it's called a hot streak and a fluke and it shouldn't count and that's why we need 7 game serieses, just in case a goalie is having a good week

**diquesdick:**  
at some point, everyone decided that goalies should never be drafted high at all, because c'est la vie say the old folks it just goes to show you never can tell

but there is no more valuable player on the team, period

but they don't wanna waste roster spots on draft busts

**puckstothenet:**  
suggestion: let teams have more than three goalies, or whatever that tiny number is

**diquesdick:**  
works for me

**puckstothenet:**  
speaking just as an employee in a department that doesn't do sports but does hire more people all the time: it suddenly strikes me as weird that "expansion" doesn't mean "adding people to teams", it means "adding teams to the league"

the new teams will have full rosters, sure, but at no point is anyone going "we need to expand head-count in our department and hire more people to keep up with the work" when it comes to roster spots

why *can't* we added six more roster spots for each team?

**diquesdick:**  
I honestly have no idea

like, the answer is probably "cap space" but other than that, I don't have god's honest clue

**puckstothenet:**  
the season's pretty long, people got injuries, why not carry more people on the roster instead of having to use call-ups?

**diquesdick:**  
but then the call-ups won't be suitably grateful for the opportunity and the regulars won't be worried about losing their roster spot

but I agree with you that having more people and rotating the folks out to give them rests would probably help out a lot, since the season is so long

**puckstothenet:**  
I have a great idea. We reduce the owner's cut to 25% (and, fuck 'em, they shouldn't even get that much, they're fucking useless), and shuffle things so I don't have to care about what escrow is, and we'll have 6 roster spots added to each team

and up the league minimum salary

**diquesdick:**  
also, never overestimate the number of people who actually work for the team

you do not need a very large conference hall to convene everyone who works for the pens, for instance

**puckstothenet:**  
hot take I never expected: the pittsburgh penguins are a small business

**diquesdick:**  
probably not technically by whatever the actual definition of a small business is, but I suspect neither of us have ever worked for a org that small

**puckstothenet:**  
I am but a mere hockey rpf writer, thanklessly shipping the employees of an international small business

are players employees or contractors?

**diquesdick:**  
I'd assume contractors but never given it much thought. They'd have to be contractors, right? They are definitely not regular employees.

Now my head hurts.

**puckstothenet:**  
the nhl and pro sports are weird anyway, because normally, if you get fired, you can then job search, whereas in hockey, if you get fired, your ex-boss tells you who you have to go work for next, or else

this is not normal employer behavior

plus you can't really quit the team without quitting the league? it's weird.

"sorry, boss, I can't stand this department anymore, my coworkers drive me crazy, I'm going to go sign with the khl."

**diquesdick:**  
okay it turns out they're employees and my head really really fucking hurts

**puckstothenet:**  
are they employees-employees or just employees for tax purposes?

**diquesdick:**  
I do not know. It also might vary by team????????? god this is nonsense.

**puckstothenet:**  
if it varies by team, it is *definitely* for tax purposes and the different jurisdictions dictate it

or maybe not, maybe also employment law in those places?

;askjfa;slkjfa;lksdj 

yeah whatever

**diquesdick:**  
I get that they're unionized employees, but I don't understand how this is working at all, unless they're not employed by any team, they're just employed by the nhl

anyway, I do not know that there is a straightforward answer, which is... weird?

**puckstothenet:**  
"Welcome to the team, Mr Chantal! We hope you'll love California! Sorry to take you away from spraying water on yourself, but we need you to fill out this W-2. Please provide your passport or two forms of identification."

**diquesdick:**  
lol

Chants is like "I'm verified on twitter, does that count as an ID?"

**puckstothenet:**  
"no but it counts as creating your brand and curating a fan base, which we hope you'll continue to do during your time with our team, which we hope will be your entire career!"

but yeah, I know there's reasons all these folks pay accountants, but I thought it was because they had to pay taxes in every state they play in, plus all the international issues?

it's been forever and a day since I actually looked into this, though, so who knows what the fuck is what, you know?

**diquesdick:**  
they are for sure a small business, then. Everything is teetering on whatever local law is, on edge cases and lawsuits. The NHL is only not illegal because judges are sports fans.

I should have made Uncle Eugene happy and gone to law school, maybe then I'd understand this

I guess it makes sense that they're employees with employment contracts now that I've spent too much time thinking about this, but dude.

maybe the rules don't ban THEM from getting hired somewhere else, it just bans everyone else from being the one to hire them? it binds the teams not the player? because the nhl has a monopoly?

**puckstothenet:**  
we are supposed to see the players and be like "TEAM YAY I LOVE HOCKEY" and at no point wonder what their paystubs look like

but now good golly do I wanna see what their paystubs look like

**diquesdick:**  
also don't forget we're supposed to be angry that players get paid

**puckstothenet:**  
oh right that too

how dare the person I pay money to go see get any of that money

**diquesdick:**  
it's true. I personally hate it when people get paid

when my boss hands me a paycheck, I say no, I'm doing it all for the pure love of project management and no compensation is required

**puckstothenet:**  
you love nothing more than that in your life, doing your job is its own reward

**diquesdick:**  
absolutely

plus I have all that family money, so I can live on that while pursuing my project management hobby full time at an elite level

**puckstothenet:**  
because who doesn't, right?

**diquesdick:**  
right!

everyone I know sure does have all that cash to pursue their weird hobbies, like project-management and nhl hockey

**puckstothenet:**  
the best part is, I hear the "love of the game" argument from people who know how expensive youth hockey is, so I guess they think if the parents can afford their kids to play hockey when they're 10, they can afford for their kids to play hockey until they're 40

which I'm sure is how it works, it's just logic

**diquesdick:**  
I can pay for my niece's violin lessons so of course I can pay for her to go to Juilliard 

**puckstothenet:**  
surely this is nothing but the truth

also every story we see every year about rookies using their first big paycheck paying off the mortgage or finally replacing that minivan that's older than they are, that's just a sign that hockey is a really cheap sport to play

**diquesdick:**  
no silly they paid off that mortgage with their second job they have to have so they can afford to keep playing hockey for free

oops we came all the way around again to womens sports

**puckstothenet:**  
ah it ever was thus

**diquesdick:**  
everyone who wants "love of the sport" and "amateurism" can just watch womens sports

they're not gonna, but they could

**puckstothenet:**  
plus pick-up games

next time we kick a ball around the park at a cook-out, I'll invite ESPN to come broadcast

I'm sure they'd be delighted

**diquesdick:**  
no, once ESPN is there, it's broadcast rights, it's contracts, money is changing hands

we gotta treat it like a childrens recreational league

if you wanna watch, you have to sit on lawn chairs on grass on the other side of marks spraypainted onto the ground to show what's out of bounds

you have to bring a cooler with snacks for everyone to eat afterwards

you have to shake everyone's hands and say "good game good game good game"

there are rules, puck, dammit. Rules.

**puckstothenet:**  
the refs are high school students, with the occasional older sibling

**diquesdick:**  
if one team doesn't have enough players show up that day, players from the other team swap onto that team so the game can happen

RULES

**puckstothenet:**  
also, "puck dammit" is now the name of my new hockey blog/podcast/clothing line

it is the true slogan of everyone around me

**diquesdick:**  
:P

the best part is your family will completely understand

**puckstothenet:**  
it's what they get for naming me robin, they're well aware :P

if they hadn't wanted me to make everyone call me puck since I was 8, shouldn't have done that

qed

**diquesdick:**  
I still think that was Mom Sheila playing the long game

She knew she couldn't convince Mama Lillian to name you puck right out, but if she named you robin and then strategically fed you shakespeare, you would turn out like this

**puckstothenet:**  
tbf, Mama Lillian might have been playing the long game of getting me to like hockey would also have nickname effect

**diquesdick:**  
Mom Sheila, probably: Robin's a lovely gender-neutral name for our child!

Mama Lillian, hiding a hockey rule book behind her: it sure is!

Puck, in utero: *takes notes*

**puckstothenet:**  
that's absolutely exactly how it happened

no, wait

Me, in utero: how can I make everyone think my gender is hockey fanaticism?

Every single time I get a coworker who knows what hockey is: "...you go by Puck? And you have patches for three different teams sewn onto your laptop bag? You are the biggest hockey nerd I've ever met."

Me: "IT'S AN ENGLISH FOLKLORE JOKE. Also yes, I enjoy watching the exciting sport of ice hockey. Luc Chantal is very pretty."

**diquesdick:**  
He *is* very pretty

**puckstothenet:**  
my favorite coworker is the one who told me that Dunsworth was prettier. I appreciate anyone who meets a fellow hockey fan and takes the opening to de-escalate "which hockey team is the best" down to "which hockey player is the prettiest"

**diquesdick:**  
that is not always de-escalation

**puckstothenet:**  
true

I will allow that Dunsworth is the prettiest 6th overall pick currently playing

okay but actually

you can snark "that's a hostile take-over, not a heist con" at me BUT

like

**diquesdick:**  
the word you're looking for is "scope" ;)

It's an hour long show, sometimes two hours if it's a two parter

plus time for commercials

**puckstothenet:**  
but what if there was a season long arc of them actually trying to make things work better?

instead of heisting and taking down villains?

right. because then it's a completely different show

**diquesdick:**  
stealing the nhl = an entertaining show that can be wrapped up in 45 minutes

making the nhl not suck = a lifelong endeavor

**puckstothenet:**  
what was that cheerleading plotline?

**diquesdick:**  
I think scholarship money or Title 9? no, wait, safety standards and corporate exploitation. I think.

**puckstothenet:**  
Leverage: let's do an episode about how cheerleading isn't treated as a sport

Me: this isn't cheerleading, this is a subsection of gymnastics. Cheerleading is on the sidelines of a completely different sport, which they are cheering for.

Leverage: it's like you never watched this episode :(

**diquesdick:**  
they did spend their plot minutes on changing laws, yes, true. I remember that part. 

okay, I remember Sophie's grifting, it was really epic that time

title 9 got brought up because it would take money from other sports?

as you could tell, the leverage team did not necessarily convince *me* either to care about the con that week. I think the way it ended, they really didn't need to have congress at all since they took down the evil corporation anyway and could have just done that all along?

tbf, "this corporation is exploiting and injuring people" is at least 2/3rds of all leverage villains, so probably they wanted some variety in plotlines

**puckstothenet:**  
but the through-line is the exploitation of teenage girls with flexibility skills so it is DEFINITELY a gymnastics subdivision

okay, sure, also figure skating

probably also ballet

any kind of dance

anything with teenage girls at all

anything with any athletes

sports are exploitation

but the happy ending of that episode was getting something redefined from an activity to a sport, yes? like that is supposed to help at all? does the leverage team know what goes on in sports????

**diquesdick:**  
the leverage team had previously done the concussion episode, so yes, they know what goes on in sports

in retrospect, that episode may have been more about "the leverage team does schoolhouse rock" than "the leverage team fixes high school sports"

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm just a bill, sitting on capital hill, waiting for sophie to come and steal me

it makes sense, though. Cheerleading is about supporting another sport. So then the cheer episode was about supporting another plot?

if it was really about safety, they should've just heisted the controlling corporation, boom, problem solved

you can tell me that changing the law was meant to be a long term solution but I know too much about gymnastics to believe you at all

plus it *is* gymnastics, so it was already a sport

so wait, is the hockey episode the only leverage sports episode about the actual sport?

since the baseball one was about public corruption

and the cheer one is, I suppose, about creating public corruption

**diquesdick:**  
leverage international, or, the ends justify the means

imagine the client for that job. "I asked them to fix the company so that they weren't exploiting athletes. They... fixed it by getting a law passed. I hadn't realized I'd hired a lobbying firm."

**puckstothenet:**  
"I may as well have called my congressional representative."

speaking of, did they get it passed in both the house and the senate? were they modifying an existing bill? do I care enough to find out? I do not.

this was a schoolhouse rock episode with a very dissatisfactory moral

**diquesdick:**  
and if that company was the only one doing cheer competitions, congrats, you just shut down the only company doing cheer competitions

(it's not a high school sport? then why was the education budget involved? I'm not thinking about this)

**puckstothenet:**  
so what you're saying is, this episode is the key to unlocking how to steal the nhl

(yeah, I don't know from school sports either.)

**diquesdick:**  
this episode is the key to unlocking how to shut down the nhl and then passing a law outlawing it

**puckstothenet:**  
hmmm

tempting, except I imagine it wouldn't scale

**diquesdick:**  
nothing scales

the wrestling episode was about wrestling

**puckstothenet:**  
the wrestling episode!!! how could I forget about the one sports episode where it made sense that eliot knew how to do that sport at the level required for the con

**diquesdick:**  
the leverage show runners: eliot can do whatever he needs to do for the episode

someone pitching a script: this one is about wrestling

show runners: oh thank fuck we don't have to stretch

**puckstothenet:**  
list of things eliot has done in this show, from descending order of likelihood

parker should have ended up doing cheer, since eliot got all the other sports roles in those sports episodes

parker's too old to pretend to be in high school, yes, but don't some american football teams employ cheerleaders?

**diquesdick:**  
let's go steal.... the nfl

**puckstothenet:**  
the inevitable sequel to whatever the hell this nightmare is

**diquesdick:**  
yes please

I don't understand cheerleading but hey if it's gotta exist, it should be leveraged into being better

**puckstothenet:**  
5 sports that were stolen by the leverage team, and 1 sport that was already perfect (aka pool, which was already fixed by professor harold hill)

**diquesdick:**  
yes, I learned about that one at summer camp

truly a great man, so many trombones

**puckstothenet:**  
and the piccolo! the piccolo! and the uniforms too!

**diquesdick:**  
you got trouble my friend

**puckstothenet:**  
trouble right here in quebec city!

**diquesdick:**  
with a capital T

**puckstothenet:**  
that rhymes with D

**diquesdick:**  
that stands for diques

**puckstothenet:**  
(that stands for diques!)

**diquesdick:**  
this is Jacks walking into the diques locker room in '27, like, "hello yes I'm married to your captain and you got trouble, let's get you a stanley cup"

**puckstothenet:**  
"you've existed for one season and already the folks interviewing you after games want half of you traded. Let's fix this."

no, wait, it's gotta be total lies

**diquesdick:**  
Chants is standing behind him, nodding, "yes I never had any problems in my life that being with Jacks didn't solve."

**puckstothenet:**  
romantic and also true!

"I've invented a problem for you. You don't have enough former Flyers players here. I am here as the solution."

**diquesdick:**  
Giroux in the background making a "what the fuck" face

**puckstothenet:**  
Jacks whispering to him "there's only three former Flyers players, that's definitely not enough for an Eastern Conference team"

**diquesdick:**  
Chants, who pretty much hates the Flyers and isn't subtle about it, with a fixed grin on his face. "Yes, yes, definitely the problem was not enough Flyers players, you're absolutely right, dude."

**puckstothenet:**  
Chants is gonna start running some kind of scheme to convince Flyers players to get themselves traded to any other team, ignoring that the Flyers are just gonna replace them with more players

"But if there's ENOUGH former Flyers out there, maybe the fans won't be such assholes to my husband!"

**diquesdick:**  
There is infinite hatred in the world for employees who get other jobs because their current one sucks and/or to follow their spouse to another country because they've been long-distance for FOUR YEARS 

(We did establish they're employees, yes?)

**puckstothenet:**  
(my answer on that is "oh fuck me and also the details" which is not a great answer)

**diquesdick:**  
(but an accurate one)

**puckstothenet:**  
omg

it occurs to me

NHL players are seasonal part-time employees

think about it

**diquesdick:**  
I am thinking about it, and my head is hurting

**puckstothenet:**  
I remember something from the mists of time that if players don't play in a game, they don't get paid for that game? And they get paid by game? So if they're benched, it's like their hours were cut?

They are not on salaries, was the point I think of the article.

It's been Years since I cared

also when you have contracts normally, can't you get paid a penalty from the other side if they break it?

I guess trades don't count as breaking it

I come back to the question of is the NHL their employer or each team is

**diquesdick:**  
"Dear Ask A Manager, my coworkers and I are like a family, where several members of the family are regularly kicked out of the family for miscellaneous reasons, sometimes related to job performance, sometimes related to salary concerns. A coworker from another department hit me on the head and gave me a concussion. The company gave that coworker a week off work unpaid. Then my husband assaulted that coworker while on the job. Everyone thinks this is normal. Is it normal?"

**puckstothenet:**  
"Dear Mr. Jackson, your company sucks and isn't going to change."

**diquesdick:**  
"As an addendum, I play professional sports."

**puckstothenet:**  
Can NHL players get workers comp?

**diquesdick:**  
It wouldn't shock me.

**puckstothenet:**  
"In response to your addendum: your sports league sucks, maybe you should see if the NHLPA can change it."

laugh at me, I just forgot the Habs are officially the Montreal Canadiens

**diquesdick:**  
eh, that's a reasonable one to forget

**puckstothenet:**  
me, full of confidence: the team name is totally Les Habitants of Montreal or whatever

and I was wrong

**diquesdick:**  
there's a Canadian team called the Canadiens and a Canadian team called the Canucks, I declare that you are allowed to forget one of them exists

it's like if baseball had the Yankees and also the Yanks, but they played on opposite coasts, and the one in New York was called the Hudsons by fans more than the Yankees.

you are allowed this one team name problem for free

**puckstothenet:**  
smash cut to me falling into an interdimensional rift, wandering through Times Rectangle, and cheering for the New York Hudsons.

**diquesdick:**  
bring back some merch

**puckstothenet:**  
I will!

**diquesdick:**  
And the other New York baseball team is the Jets, I assume?

**puckstothenet:**  
lol absolutely for sure

**diquesdick:**  
Announcer voice: Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to New York City, home of 4 airports! You have Newark Airport, not in New York state at all! You have John F. Kennedy airport, named for someone from Massachusetts! You have LaGuardia airport, thankfully named after someone who had anything at all to do with New York! And you have.... *drum roll* Baseball Arena, home of Your! New! York! Jeeeeeeettttttttttssssssss!

**puckstothenet:**  
*waves foam fingers and pennants excitingly*

(can I send to Mama Lillian?)

**diquesdick:**  
(please do!)

I'd keep going and announce the starting lineup but I don't know any baseball players except for Sandy Kauffman 

**puckstothenet:**  
Sandy Koufax

**diquesdick:**  
okay turns out I don't know any baseball players

**puckstothenet:**  
it counts, you know who he is, and got most of his name

I can also list Jackie Robinson, Babe Ruth, Mark McGwire, and Sammy Sosa

phear me

**diquesdick:**  
those last two don't count, their names always went together

**puckstothenet:**  
so do many players! they should still count

**diquesdick:**  
Yogi Berra, right?

**puckstothenet:**  
I think so?

That is one of those situations where I heard of Yogi Bear and knew him well long before I heard of Yogi Berra so, like... it's as if the Only You Can Prevent Forest Fires guy was also a well-known track and field star

This is how I ended up genre savvy by the age of nine, probably. I watch too much parodies aimed at children who didn't know they were parodies. It had benefits but man could it be sometimes confusing.

**diquesdick:**  
"oh so this is what Bugs Bunny was quoting"

insert What's Opera, Doc here

**puckstothenet:**  
*hums ride of valkyries*

"I know the plot of this and everything else but also I think Yogi Berra is a cartoon character, it evens out"

**diquesdick:**  
I only knew the Marley and Marley song from the Muppets Christmas movie, so I didn't realize there was only one Marley in the book

**puckstothenet:**  
see, this is what I mean. I know so much! But also I think every famous literary character is a dog named Wishbone.

**diquesdick:**  
this is why all my cultural osmosis ended when I stopped watching PBS kids shows

**puckstothenet:**  
you joke but this is true

oh hey wait

where have you gone Joe DiMaggio, our nation turns its lonely eyes to you, ooooh ooooh ooooh

and shoeless "say it ain't so, joe" jackson!

One of those was the White Sox cheating thing and the other... I wanna say a Yankee

For me to remember a baseball player, there's gotta be a quote for that, I guess

**diquesdick:**  
and be named Joe

**puckstothenet:**  
that does help

you're gonna ask me now to name hockey players named Joe and I'm going to fail miserably and publicly

**diquesdick:**  
I'll give you Joe Thornton for free

**puckstothenet:**  
nooooo, he's the only one I know

**diquesdick:**  
Joe Sakic

(tbf I remember him because of looking at former original-Diques)

**puckstothenet:**  
I acknowledge the expert with great applause

I sent Mama Lillian your New York Jets promo and she tells me that the New York Jets are an american football team with New York in its name that plays in New Jersey, so instead of a joke about the Mets, it's a joke about team names shifting sports

she says nothing about if the New York Jets do airplane jokes, but I have to assume they must

I'm confused since I thought the New York football team was the Giants but I guess New York needs multiple of every kind of sports team

**diquesdick:**  
such generic names

I guess they can't all be the Knickerbockers

**puckstothenet:**  
every time I say knickerbocker, I get a cole porter song in my head, I think it was called don't monkey with broadway?

but yeah, knickerbocker is so specific, even I can remember where that team is from

I love the penguins, honestly, but penguins do not live in Pennsylvania

**diquesdick:**  
that's something else we can steal for hockey. The only location-specific NHL team name are the New York Islanders and the Washington Capitals, and the first one doesn't count since there's lots of islands, and the second one doesn't count since the capitals of two countries have NHL teams.

The three Canadian teams with Canada names don't count (Habs, Canucks, MAPLE LEAFS)

Nordiques kinda count since it's about people in the north, but I'd have to look at a map to see if it's the northmost team, and I don't want to do that

We need hockey team names where I can make fun of you reasonably for not remembering where they play

**puckstothenet:**  
If you said Canucks, I'd say Vancouver. If you said Maple Leafs, I'd say Toronto. If you say Canadiens, I guess I'd say "Canada"

**diquesdick:**  
I'd cheer for the Canada Canadiens

**puckstothenet:**  
we call that the Olympics

**diquesdick:**  
...accurate.

**puckstothenet:**  
I think the problem is the interchanging of names to keep it non-repetitive. So one team might get called Penguins and Pittsburgh in the same article, but then I'm left to remember if "Florida" is the Lightning or the Panthers

with the horrible part that the Lightning are not the Lightning Bolts except they are the Bolts because Lightning isn't plural. The players aren't the lightnings, even thought they should be. 

"Hello I'm Puck, I'm a Lightning!" is what you get in a mid-grade novel that wants to be Harry Potter

**diquesdick:**  
I agree that it doesn't make sense to call one team by the name of the state and the other by the name of a city

**puckstothenet:**  
none of them should be called by states at all

Imagine if Seattle switched their name to Washington

You'd have the Washington Capitals and the Washington Kraken

ON DIFFERENT SIDES OF THE COUNTRY

**diquesdick:**  
time to start a rumor that Vancouver, Washington is getting a team, and the Capitals are moving there

**puckstothenet:**  
Vancouver, Washington gets a team and calls it the States, so we have the Vancouver States and the Vancouver Canucks

**diquesdick:**  
that said, I think I like "Washington Kraken" as a name more than Seattle Kraken. But if I walked into a room and someone introduced himself as Washington Kraken, I'd not even blink. 

so that might be a strike against it.

**puckstothenet:**  
"could your hockey team name seem reasonable if presented as a person's name"

**diquesdick:**  
Dallas Stars is also a legitimate human name, no caveats involved.

**puckstothenet:**  
new ship: Kraken/Stars

their love is so LinkedIn-worthy

**diquesdick:**  
Here for it.

**puckstothenet:**  
ugh team names.

you'd get the impression that I have a terrible memory but honestly it's just that I don't care

**diquesdick:**  
no, I know that it's because you don't care ;)

**puckstothenet:**  
because you know me so well :D

I'm secure enough in my masculinity that I don't need to pretend I know anything about the nhl more than I want to know

**diquesdick:**  
you have resisted the siren call of marketing and also paying any attention to who the other team is that your teams are playing against

**puckstothenet:**  
okay now you've made it sound bad

when the teams are right in front of me, sure, definitely... um. A lot of the time. It's three letters in the corner or whatever and usually I am capable of discerning those

it's just, like, pop quiz, puck, name the western conference

**diquesdick:**  
or the eastern conference

**puckstothenet:**  
name the actual names of the divisions these days

**diquesdick:**  
tell me what mascot goes to which team

**puckstothenet:**  
ask me which coast Anaheim is on

**diquesdick:**  
demand to know who Mitch Marner currently plays for

**puckstothenet:**  
accept the futility of sports trivia without having flashcards and/or trading cards to aid in memorization

**diquesdick:**  
accept the futility of sports trivia on something too trivial to be a jeopardy category

**puckstothenet:**  
"I'd like NHL teams that haven't won a cup in twenty years for $400, Alex."

**diquesdick:**  
you actually DON'T like those teams

**puckstothenet:**  
lol yes true

although really the answer will just be the Maple Leafs

you can game Jeopardy pretty well by knowing the Most Knowable thing about multiple categories and knowing literally nothing else at all about it

but you know the bit of it that comes up on Jeopardy

Jeopardy will ask you where the 1968 Democratic Convention was ten times a year, but will never in the world ask you where the 1972 one was.

or, if it does, it'll be like "this capital of Maine was the site of this thing you don't know anything about; the question you have to answer is, what's the capital of Maine"

**diquesdick:**  
horribly true

every so often, though, I do know the part they don't expect anyone to know, and I feel good about myself

you just know that question would be, like

either "The Maple Leafs of this Canadian city have not won a Stanley Cup since 1960whatever"

or "The Toronto Maple Leafs have not won this ultimate hockey trophy since 1960whatever"

in which case, you guess "what's the most famous Canadian city" and then people either are like Toronto or some smartass thinks when in doubt, go with the less still-famous city and guesses Ottawa, but you have the answer within one wrong answer. The hard mode would be them not saying the Maples Leafs were from Canada and you had to know, but again. Superficial knowledge will save you.

and the second question really is "what is the only thing anyone knows about hockey and famous sports trophies"

what's the name of the trophy of ANY OTHER SPORTS LEAGUE, do you know what it is? no, you don't

**puckstothenet:**  
I mean, it's me

but

**diquesdick:**  
but

yeah

**puckstothenet:**  
american football has the... Heisman?

but frankly I don't know if that's college or pro

I don't THINK that's what you get when you win the super bowl, so it's probably college

**diquesdick:**  
I've heard someone referred to as a Heisman winner but until this day I did not know that was a physical object you won, I thought it was something like All-American, which I also don't know what that is

**puckstothenet:**  
I think it's MVP, too, so more like the Conn Smythe than the Memorial Cup. I don't think the team wins it, just a person. 

So the team isn't competing for the glory of winning that trophy.

and so we are back to nope, I don't know any other famous sports trophies that are like the stanley cup

lots of sports have big shiny things for the photos. I know Wimbledon gives out a big trophy to the winner and the runner-up gets... a shiny plate, I think? But I don't know if those have names.

but are those trophies valued in and of themselves? do people write erotica about them? do people throw them into swimming pools as rites of passages? I think not.

**diquesdick:**  
the only sports award other than the cup that I know for sure has erotica is olympic medals

**puckstothenet:**  
yes that

even beyond the usual "let's have sex wearing our medals" normal stuff

there is absolutely humping an olympic medal porn, as god intended

**diquesdick:**  
a walking, throbbing IOC branding violation

**puckstothenet:**  
if you can't piss off the IOC by fucking your medal, when really can you

it's just wasting a perfect opportunity

**diquesdick:**  
you miss 100% of the porn you don't write

**puckstothenet:**  
this is true

devorah I just had a revelation and now I feel like an idiot

Luc Chantal's nickname

THE STOLEN ONE

(also the best thing ever is that we have video evidence that he *answers to that*)

**diquesdick:**  
look we already know who stole luc chantal

**puckstothenet:**  
it was oliver jackson! who stole his heart! right?

**diquesdick:**  
absolutely

**puckstothenet:**  
but oh my god there already was a heist luc chantal was involved in

he just was the macguffin

my mind is blown

**diquesdick:**  
maybe jacks was the villain of that heist all along. He wanted Chants in his conference so they'd play each other more often

and so he arranged The Great Luc Chantal Expansion Draft Pick Of 2026

**puckstothenet:**  
Client: Oliver Jackson

Goal: be in the same time zone as his husband

Heist: ...contract fuckery?

**diquesdick:**  
it was a very slow heist

**puckstothenet:**  
you know what? that makes it better

**diquesdick:**  
the slow heist or it being oliver jackson's fault?

**puckstothenet:**  
BOTH

**diquesdick:**  
oliver jackson was like "something old something new something stolen something blue"

he got the blue from the diques jersey

he got the new from their cup tattoos

he got the old from how ancient their engagement must have been

and then he just needed something stolen

so he stole himself a husband

**puckstothenet:**  
this makes perfect sense and I approve this message

also yes those two were engaged since they were 7 years old, anything else is a lie

**diquesdick:**  
every time they tell the story to their friends, one of them goes "no actually it started earlier" 

**puckstothenet:**  
smash cut to two 14 year olds playing street hockey, shaking on an agreement to marry one day to keep their line together

**diquesdick:**  
smash cut to them being twelve and eating ice cream and Jacks saying "if we can eat ice cream again tomorrow, I'll marry you" and then they get ice cream again tomorrow, so what are you gonna do, guess they're getting married!

**puckstothenet:**  
eventually they wear it down to the first game they ever played together and Luc turning to Jacks after and saying "I promise to play hockey with you until we're old and grey"

**diquesdick:**  
as 7 year olds are wont to do

**puckstothenet:**  
Luc Chantal has endless depths

and then the next time they tell the story, Luc has to keep one-upping this, so he goes "well, before the game where I met Jacks, I told my mom that the next person I saw score a goal was going to be my husband" and there Jacks was

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks tries to find a way to trigger Chants's competitive steak with who fell in love second, instead of first, and this backfires spectacularly

**puckstothenet:**  
yessss

**diquesdick:**  
...in bed

**puckstothenet:**  
of course

there is no other way

**diquesdick:**  
and then Luc is domestic about it in the morning and it fulfills everything I need in life

**puckstothenet:**  
god yes you are right

**diquesdick:**  
like, yes, Chants is a nutrition-obsessed professional athlete who knows 101 ways to make a smoothie

but also... he cooks. He does chores. I'm sure they hire a cleaning service, but it would not shock me to find out sometime that Chants is the one who does the tidying up between visits from the professionals

**puckstothenet:**  
this is a pairing that truly gives us everything

kinky sex? yes. Chants going avenging knight in shining armor? yes. Chants in an apron baking bread? yes. oliver jackson enjoying all of those things? YES

**diquesdick:**  
++domestic jacktal

can't get enough

**puckstothenet:**  
you can't have sex every minute of every day, but you can be domestic every minute of every day!

except when you're playing hockey, I guess

or doing your physical therapy

or in meetings with management

or recording advertisements for your many sponsors

or doing press

or...

**diquesdick:**  
puck, allow me to tell you the plot bunny that ate my head of That Time They Bought Twelve Dozen Eggs In One Day because Luc put his grocery list on the shared calendar so others could add to it before he went shopping after practice, Jacks thought it was for him since Luc had a meeting, Buddy thought it was his turn, the rookie thought he was being hazed and went along with it, and Sveta was already at the grocery store anyway when it was added to the calendar

**puckstothenet:**  
Buddy's BFF who house-sits during road trips: *looks at the backyard chickens like he's on The Office*

**diquesdick:**  
I do not know why they are raising those chickens but no way it's enough to fill their egg requirements 

I think it's just because someone in that house likes chickens

**puckstothenet:**  
it's a pet who contributes to the household.

and the cute factor

that ESPN or whatever clip it was of Chez Russecois with the baby chickens, oh my heart

Luc Chantal came for my ovaries that day

also I bet you they get groceries delivered, so the coordination fail they'd be expecting would be they set up 5 orders for that day and didn't realize, they were not prepared for your calendar shenanigans

imagine just truck after truck after truck comes by with hundreds of dollars worth of groceries to stock up that house for the week

**diquesdick:**  
and that was the day Jackson was truly thankful that his mother had told him to get a third freezer for the basement

**puckstothenet:**  
you need one stand-alone freezer for each elite athlete, that's the rules

**diquesdick:**  
A camera pans along their basement, showing nothing but freezers

**puckstothenet:**  
can you get those restaurant walk-in freezers for houses?

**diquesdick:**  
with how much Chants and Jacks can pay? probably.

I do love their "the more the merrier" communal living situation

**puckstothenet:**  
yes for sure

**diquesdick:**  
every other hockey player, buying a 5 bedroom house: and this is the gym and this is the other gym and this is the trophy room and this is the media room and this is the one guest room, I guess, for when my parents visit

Jacktal, buying a 5 bedroom house: we don't have space for a guest room, guests sleep on the sofa

**puckstothenet:**  
Jacktal's motto: if you spend more than one night in a row here, we add an addition to give you your own bedroom

**diquesdick:**  
every single time Luc Chantal does an interview where he explains that the rookie who is carpooling with him back to his house is not actually his rookie, it's someone else's rookie, the rookie is just staying with him for reasons

**puckstothenet:**  
And the rookie nods along and then mouths at the camera "I'm his rookie"

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks, trolling the comments section "he's the captain, of course all rookies are his rookies!"

**puckstothenet:**  
it's team building and by team building, he means greenhouse building, now get back into the backyard, buddy's greenhouse fell down in the storm

**diquesdick:**  
buddy, as luc's eternal rookie: I moved out! 

luc: you moved next door, that counts as an addition to this house

**puckstothenet:**  
slowly but surely, the nordiques take over that entire street

**diquesdick:**  
maximum carpooling efficiency

**puckstothenet:**  
just charter a bus to get everyone to practice

plus, they can string a bunch of tin cans together out of all their windows and chat that way

**diquesdick:**  
or flash their lights in morse code

**puckstothenet:**  
"he's typing something out, let me write it down... F.... U.... um. I don't think I need to read the rest of this, I get the point he is trying to make."

**diquesdick:**  
he will have to respond, of course

all methods of communication go both ways, except for skywriting

**puckstothenet:**  
sending letters without return addresses

**diquesdick:**  
pasting leaflets to street lights

**puckstothenet:**  
spam calls

**diquesdick:**  
messages in a bottle (subsection of letters with no return addresses, but with the built-in time delay, even if there is a return address, it may be no longer relevant)

**puckstothenet:**  
did messages in a bottle exist in nature before someone put them into some book and inspired people to do it? was this ever a thing that existed by itself?

**diquesdick:**  
probably they did? but imagine the immortality of being like "oh yeah I invented that"

**puckstothenet:**  
it's such a precarious form of communication, I love it for the Romantic potential. Also it's littering. It really does tick all the boxes.

okay but also

bored skywriter writing "marry me" and then a phone number and seeing what happens

**diquesdick:**  
Canonical Freeform Tag: Hijinks & Shenanigans

which of them is the skywriter and which is the equally bored person who calls him?

**puckstothenet:**  
let's be honest, Luc Chantal as a skywriter just writes out better plays over the top of outdoor games

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks leans over his shoulder and helpfully tells him to write out "shoot the puck!!!11!!!"

**puckstothenet:**  
absolutely

**diquesdick:**  
that's the next job we have to put into the NotNHLer Jacks bingo

screw stats guy, screw Luc's supportive best friend who works at a bookstore, we have to get a square on there for "goodyear blimp driver"

**puckstothenet:**  
you have the control, you can do it

**diquesdick:**  
I am going to. Watch me.

**puckstothenet:**  
Yay!

**diquesdick:**  
although, I gotta say, the problem with doing all these pairing challenges is I'm really starting to wonder if the best way to win a cup is to not be a top pick

**puckstothenet:**  
because top picks don't tend to move around?

**diquesdick:**  
right. And while lower picks have a harder time overall in breaking into the league, they're also more likely to be traded

**puckstothenet:**  
the more teams you're on, the more chances you have, instead of being stuck forever on a team that just can't get it together?

**diquesdick:**  
yeah like your McDavids of the world are dealing with their teams trying and trying and trying to build a winning team around them, and failing and failing and failing

your journeymen are the ones who are moving around with trades or free agency to become those pieces brought in

and if it doesn't work one time, they go on to another team. But the franchise stars don't tend to move

if you are lower down in the draft or undrafted, if you are not a star enough that they ever let you hit free agency, if you get traded, if you move around, you have more chances than putting all your bets on one team

**puckstothenet:**  
this is like how Number One Overall Sidney Crosby has 3 cups, but Undrafted Chris Kunitz has 4, isn't it

**diquesdick:**  
yeah

the only problem is all the new kids coming along every year to bump off the old journeymen

so you have to be GOOD to keep moving around between teams and being used to fill holes in the lineup

you don't have that 8 year contract in your back pocket

but while I think you have more of a chance of getting a cup if you're undrafted than if you were picked in the 5th round, I think it might also be possible that... you are fucked if you're a star player and your team spends 15 years not getting beyond the second round of the playoffs

you end up with those guys who are, like, 39 years old and have spent their entire careers in one spot being like "look, guys, I love this town, I love this team, now send me to one of these three specific teams so that I can finally get a godforsaken stanley cup"

and everyone respects those guys and that choice because they have spent their lives being the faces of a franchise but the franchise never got them to the pinnacle, so it's time for the franchise to pay them back by acknowledging they suck and get their star a shot somewhere else

**puckstothenet:**  
the problem with that always is when they don't win a cup in their One Final Chance

**diquesdick:**  
yup

sure sucks it was their only real chance, doesn't it. 

But, hey, most players don't get cups.

**puckstothenet:**  
but for bang for your buck, you might be luckier if you don't spend your entire career with one team?

**diquesdick:**  
plus, most players move around, it's the rare player that actually does spend an entire career (and a lengthy career, not a cup of coffee and then back to the ahl) with one nhl team, so that confuses everything even more

so I'm suspicious but I haven't actually looked too hard at it. But since most of the roster of any given team isn't a franchise player, and the way cup teams tend to shed their rosters the year after the win...

there's a lot of random hockey players floating around with cup rings

last year's stanley cup winning team, by draft location: 11 from the first round (two in the top 10), 8 from the second round, 5 from the third round, 1 from each of the fourth and fifth rounds, 2 from the sixth round, 2 from the seventh round, and 3 undrafted

goalies were 2nd, 3rd, and 5th rounders

I refuse to do year-before and year-after to see where each player came from and ended up going to, but you get the idea

it looks way better to be undrafted than go after the 3rd round, just because the bias that if you make it into the nhl after not being drafted, you're a really good player and also you have more options about where to go

**puckstothenet:**  
you also refuse to do who was the one who drafted these players :P

**diquesdick:**  
REFUSE

there are so many places on the internet that will give you players stats. None of them wanna show you their draft position next to those stats

because draft position is irrelevant after the draft, amiright? no you are wrong

**puckstothenet:**  
also, because of expansion, some of these might have been in different rounds based on the pick number if you just use pick numbers *helpful*

**diquesdick:**  
lol yes lots of these guys were drafted before vegas joined, even

**puckstothenet:**  
Veteran Presence In The Room

**diquesdick:**  
something like that

**puckstothenet:**  
They Know How To Win

**diquesdick:**  
god not that one

**puckstothenet:**  
winning is a very rare skill

**diquesdick:**  
you know what's a rare skill? being a professional hockey player

**puckstothenet:**  
it's such a WEIRD skill, think about it

**diquesdick:**  
lol

**puckstothenet:**  
seriously, were your parents the type to let you spend that much time in middle or high school on something that wasn't academics? were ANY of the parents you knew the type to let you do that? and how many parents do you know NOW who'd treat sports as anything more than a hobby that takes up a couple hours a week at most?

**diquesdick:**  
one girl in my class did one (1) gymnastics meet that I knew about. We were ten.

One other girl did travel soccer? I don't know if that lasted into high school at all.

so, no.

I do not know anyone whose parents valued them developing that kind of skill instead of something that doesn't tend to lead to broken bones and head injuries

and while I know some parents who are into their kids doing sports, it is absolutely on the level of "one recreational soccer/basketball game every weekend with the local kids league", with the kids dropping out as they lose interest and want to do other things with their sundays. Who has *time* for more than that?

**puckstothenet:**  
the wildest thing anyone in my class ever did was do a science fair project that, at the fair, get told she really really really should have gotten human subjects approval for

**diquesdick:**  
oops

**puckstothenet:**  
yup

you know, this is one of those things that don't ping anything at the time but in retrospect thirty years later, I am somewhat concerned about all parties involved

last I heard from her, she was a professional chemist, so if anyone was going to do a science fair experiment I still remember, it makes sense it'd be her

**diquesdick:**  
I'm reminded of that NCAA commercial series where they touted athletes and had them in board rooms and said "some percentage (95%?) of our athletes go pro in things other than sports"

but your classmate went pro in science

**puckstothenet:**  
it's a lot easier to go pro in science than in sports

that's such a bizarre commercial idea. "The NCAA is sports training at colleges for sports people to not do sports professionally"

aka you will do a sport at a high level and your only payment is a college education, at best. Which is not guaranteed by the NCAA.

you may as well have spent all that time sportsing on studying, if you were gonna go pro in something you study rather than practice

**diquesdick:**  
I think they were trying to sell the NCAA as a benevolent college scholarship program

**puckstothenet:**  
legitimately, if the NCAA is a college scholarship program, it is the hardest scholarship to actually get and actually keep

I got various scholarships and I know folks who got other kinds of scholarships, and those all have guidelines on how to apply, how it all works, how you can lose it, etc

none of that involved someone visiting my high school and scouting me

I don't know if Leora actually wants to go to Juilliard or not, but I'm willing to bet the admission requirements there are clearer than NCAA bullshit

also you know what? every scholarship I got didn't say I could never have made any money beforehand and wasn't allowed to make money during college

do they wanna say they're work-study? because people who did work-study got paid in their jobs, because that's the point

**diquesdick:**  
you will not make sense of something that doesn't make sense

**puckstothenet:**  
you are wise, babe

**diquesdick:**  
next time I have to watch one of your beloved fluff pieces that talk about how an athlete's parents drove them to practice at 4am and sacrificed so much, I'm going to have mini Puck on my shoulder going "who ARE these parents"

**puckstothenet:**  
they must exist since professional athletes exist

**diquesdick:**  
I'm gonna scrutinize the parents at the next diques parents weekend, squinting at the screen going "why did you let your 14 year old move away from home to go play junior hockey, don't you know about the SATs"

**puckstothenet:**  
I guess because you could always come back to academics, but athletics have such a tight time frame for having your shot at doing it? School will still be there? idk. It sure is a mindset.

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks at least is pretty damn honest that his mom isn't like this, that he's only playing pro hockey because *Luc's* parents had the time to be hockey parents for him

**puckstothenet:**  
do you remember that time Jacks mentioned that someone in his family wanted him not to do major junior so he could go NCAA instead? At least there was one person going "hey maybe this hockey thing could unlock doors for him to get a college education"... for Oliver Jackson, who is the one hockey player I would fully believe already had the grades for that and also iirc if you play major junior and don't go pro, you can get college scholarships? I have no idea how good those scholarships are, but, like, they exist? Like, you really can have it all. Which is probably why Jacks didn't go NCAA.

**diquesdick:**  
A while back, I read a book about the medalists in a team event at a Winter Olympics and it traced their paths to get there. Two of them (gold and bronze) had state-sponsored programs, the third (silver) did not. It described their struggles and hardships to be able to train to that level and on the one hand, if you are just comparing flat out as "who suffered more and so who deserves it", the bronze medalists are far and away the deserving winners on the suffering scale. But. Anyone who has the bronze medalist's kind of struggles in the silver-medalist's situation is never getting anywhere near the Olympics, because when the cost of getting an Olympic medal is borne by the parents instead of by the country, only those with parents who can afford it will have kids who can get there, especially in a winter sport. If the bronze and silver medalists had switched countries, the bronze medalists wouldn't have gotten to the Olympics in the first place.

In other words, I came away from that book thinking more about how different countries fund their sports teams and how that leads to access for a variety of people, than I did about Who Deserved It.

I think the book didn't know how to balance it entirely either. It had these stories of true suffering and poverty and hardship, and on the other side, it had, like, rocking the suburbs. By trying to show all these lives in contrast next to each other, I think it said more about the countries than the athletes. IDK if it was trying to say the silver medalists had it easy and so had an advantage, but... while that's true, I think it's missing all the people who could have been the silver medalists. I think it's saying more, if you want to be in this position to have the easier road to the Olympics, you already had to have been born halfway there. But there's no path at all for anyone in the bronze medalists position who don't have state sponsored programs.

It may be easier in the summer games, especially the ones where you don't need too much specialized equipment. But even there, the training time, the costs of competitions, the costs of qualifying spots to the Olympics and making the standard... none of this is cheap. Who pays?

We didn't know anyone whose parents valued sports enough to pay actual money for them to do it. But even if we did, did we know anyone who could actually afford it if they wanted to? No.

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah, it's kind of a mess

A few Olympics back, there was one athlete who I had one of those Olympic love affairs over? Like, didn't know who the fuck he was the day before the Olympics, watched him win his event, watched some interviews, fell into youtube holes

Then I found an interview where he said he resented having to give some of his prize money back to the national federation. The national federation. That paid him a stipend. So he could afford. To be an Olympic athlete.

He wanted the money. He didn't want to give back. Because hey, he earned the money, right? He earned the stipend with his competition results. And he earned the prize money he got from those competition results.

And then I fell out of love :P

**diquesdick:**  
does he want to only do "give back" events where his name is on the sign and everyone can see him explicitly helping the next generation follow in his footsteps?

**puckstothenet:**  
don't know don't care. Guys who can't understand cause and effect, fuck 'em

four years later I watched the sport again, because as far as I'm aware, it only exists once every four years, and I saw him win it again, and I said to the television, oh hey look it's that asshole who doesn't understand the social contract

**diquesdick:**  
you hold the pettiest of grudges and I love you for it

**puckstothenet:**  
like whoever it was on galaxy quest, I have one job on this stupid ship and it is stupid but I'm gonna do it

**diquesdick:**  
you have gone pro in petty grudges

**puckstothenet:**  
yes

I trained for so long, my entire life, and I am so proud to have been drafted first overall in the petty grudge league

all the sacrifices I made and that my parents made to get me to this point, all the schoolwork I didn't do, all the friends I didn't make, all the opportunities I missed, all of it was worth it for this day, to hear them call my name, and to wear this jersey

my life is complete

I have no more goals left

**diquesdick:**  
*sheds a beautiful tear in the audience reaction shot*

**puckstothenet:**  
okay but also, non NHLer Jacks, like, sitting in Luc's audience section at the draft

Luc: "I'm so glad to have all my family here today."

because those boys are not anymore in the closet even when they aren't both in the nhl 

**diquesdick:**  
accurate

**puckstothenet:**  
and then it's Luc who is doing everything he can to get back to the eastern conference so he can be closer to Jacks

**diquesdick:**  
Chants at the pre-draft stuff: I WANT TO BE A FLYER PLEASE

Chants from our universe: bro, are you okay?

**puckstothenet:**  
yes

**diquesdick:**  
weren't the Habs fourth that year or something?

smash cut to Luc Chantal after the draft lottery being like, how can I drop several places in the draft despite everyone having known for two years that I'm gonna go first

**puckstothenet:**  
"I need to hire a heist team to steal the entry draft--"

"so you'll go first?"

"so I don't go first."

**diquesdick:**  
"That is not usually the request we get."

**puckstothenet:**  
"You miss 100% of the heists you don't make."

**diquesdick:**  
"Have you tried being less good at hockey?"

**puckstothenet:**  
"Why would I ever do that?"

althoughhhhh if Luc does want to decide where he goes, he does have to go NCAA and graduate and then get his Get Out Of Who Owns Your Rights Free Club card stamped

so he just has to pick a college, go there NCAA, while Jacks also goes there, they can be college boyfriends, and then four years later, they can pick where they wanna go

because it's there or being a holdout and no one can convince me he'd ever do that

**diquesdick:**  
yeah, not happening

He'll just get drafted to where he gets drafted and then they have to see if Jacks can transfer somewhere near there sophomore year

or decide that Jacks will stay in one place and Luc will play out his ELC and then refuse to sign a contract extension unless it's with a team he and Jacks have agreed on

**puckstothenet:**  
that would be epic and I would want to see that

Luc Chantal: first top pick franchise rookie breakout star in a million years to be like "actually no, thanks for the memories but I'm going somewhere else"

**diquesdick:**  
they would absolutely trade him if they can't sign him

they can't lose him for nothing

at what point do they pull that lever and trade him? do they think he's a pushover and have hope until the trade deadline of his third year?

or do they resign themselves over the summer?

If they wait until the trade deadline, their options are much more limited.

**puckstothenet:**  
Chants is many many hockey cliches about being a good kid, a team player, loyal, etc etc etc

they absolutely still have hope until the trade deadline

the question is, with the trade deadline approaching, do they KEEP having hope or do they realize that Chants is not gonna sign?

**diquesdick:**  
two days before the trade deadline: "hello Edmonton? do you want another bright young star to ruin?"

**puckstothenet:**  
"we don't think he'll sign with you but this will give you more time to try to negotiate with him, so that should be worth you sending us a decent player in exchange"

would Chants tell the Sharks the location he and Jacks have decided on?

**diquesdick:**  
eh, why make it easy for them?

plus the Sharks would have to make that trade work

**puckstothenet:**  
in every universe, the sharks lose chants for nothing? ;)

**diquesdick:**  
100% that

**puckstothenet:**  
but my eyes are opened. Yes, Luc Chantal would be like "I need to arrange the location I play hockey in so I can follow what's best for my husband's career" instead of being like "my husband has a portable job, it doesn't matter were I get traded to, we'll manage"

hockey is not the most portable but Luc does have options if he's willing to just not sign a contract with a team he doesn't want to play for or in a location he doesn't want to live

he'll get paid less by any team he goes to, though, I'd bet

**diquesdick:**  
I was about to say "yeah, they wouldn't have been holding cap space available for him the way the sharks were" BUT

**puckstothenet:**  
lol yeah, the sharks not holding cap space open for him was the entire fucking problem there

he'd probably sign a one year or two year deal and then renegotiate? or maybe he'd find a place eager to snap him up and give him seven years, giant contract

**diquesdick:**  
if he went free agent ever in his life and got some bidders, he'd have that, but if he wants to pick the team, he's got work with their cap space, which may not be the most friendly to him getting a huge payday

**puckstothenet:**  
Jacks plays in the local rec league, Chants is his cheering section. "Dude, is your husband in the NHL?"

"depends on if someone will sign him."

"He went first in the draft!"

"correction, it depends on if the local team will sign him."

"the local team can't keep a goalie"

"some things are more important than stanley cups"

**diquesdick:**  
god, Luc Chantal deciding his relationship is more important than chasing a cup. I need that. Because if he had the choice, he'd totally pick Jacks over the cup, I fully believe that. He never had to pick, but I fully believe he'd choose his husband.

like, yes, this guy has many rings, but I fully believe he values his wedding ring above his cup rings

**puckstothenet:**  
+1

**diquesdick:**  
Luc Chantal at 38, an Old Guy Without A Cup, giving an interview where he's like "sure, getting a cup would be fantastic in my final season, but I wouldn't go back and do things differently."

**puckstothenet:**  
dude makes choices and commits to them

and also, I think it might be good for him? Like, Chants does not have non-hockey hobbies. His non-hockey hobbies are cheering for his friends in other sports.

for him to instead frame his life around being with Jacks instead of framing it around being the best at hockey and living the hockey life

**diquesdick:**  
this is why his relationship with Svetlana Volkov was so good for him. All his other relationships are so Sports, you know?

**puckstothenet:**  
they are so very very sports

**diquesdick:**  
but Svetlana is not Sports

**puckstothenet:**  
*sings a whole new world*

also one reason to love his relationship with Svetlana is that... she doesn't seem his type? At all? From everything else Luc Chantal has done in his life, everyone else we know he's dated... and then there's Svetlana Volkov

because life is more than hockey and so is Luc Chantal and that's beautiful :D

**diquesdick:**  
Luc Chantal's '26 season tagline: in which Luc Chantal moves home, becomes a captain, and learns there's more to life than hockey (it is, in fact, modeling)

**puckstothenet:**  
yes

although, consider

Chants decides he doesn't want to play for the nordiques, quits hockey, becomes a model, THEN meets Svetlana

**diquesdick:**  
intriguing

**puckstothenet:**  
also, then Jacks is a hockey player who married a model and I find that so hilariously perfect

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks: nowhere in our vows did it say "for hockey or not for hockey!!!!"

**puckstothenet:**  
lol yeah

those vows were more like "for hockey in one team or in another team, until we can get a trade to be on the same team"

**diquesdick:**  
"our marriage vows involve not being traded to the blackhawks and nothing else, do you hear me, Chantal"

**puckstothenet:**  
WE SWORE WE'D LIFT THE CUP TOGETHER

**diquesdick:**  
"Jacks, bro, it's chill. You win the Cup and we'll lift it together on your Cup day."

**puckstothenet:**  
"GET BACK ON THE ICE"

**diquesdick:**  
poor Oliver Jackson. Chants got himself an Olympic gold medal and then fucked off to a second career focusing on how pretty he is instead of how good he is at hockey

**puckstothenet:**  
oh man just imagine

because hockey is not one of those "olympics are everything" sports

and in those "olympics are everything" sports, YES absolutely so many people drop out after the olympic year

that's the natural point for them to drop out

**diquesdick:**  
the turn of the quadrennium frees them from the question of "but won't you just hang on for three more years so you can try the olympics again?"

**puckstothenet:**  
yep

anyone who quits a sport in a non-olympic year is a quitter, those who do it in an olympic year are going to the next phase of their lives

it's weird but whatever

but just, like, imagine Luc Chantal fucking did that

his first olympics were in his THIRD SEASON

Chants doesn't sign a bridge contract, doesn't sign an extension, fucking leaves the nhl after 3 fucking years

he would never ever do that but oh my god imagine

imagine Luc Chantal has been harboring a tiny secret love in his heart

a tiny secret love for something other than hockey

**diquesdick:**  
GASP

what horrors are you speaking, puck my darling

Luc Chantal knows of no life that isn't hockey

**puckstothenet:**  
BUT WHAT IF

Chants is like, "you know what this world needs? models."

or even, he wants to go to school for nutrition, because that probably is his second love after hockey

...third love, I do remember Jacks exists

**diquesdick:**  
lol

tbf, hockey and Jacks are intertwined

**puckstothenet:**  
and then he fucking quits hockey to go back to school and, like, goes to UPenn

**diquesdick:**  
he is not getting into UPenn

**puckstothenet:**  
he could! remember, in this world he has ANOTHER LOVE burning his heart

and that would have made him do better at school

plus, dude can afford tuition

**diquesdick:**  
you just want the nonsense of Luc "I hate Philadelphia" Chantal choosing to move to Philadelphia

**puckstothenet:**  
I do

plus the Flyers were clearly grooming Jacks to be their next captain, if he hadn't signed the offer letter, he'd've been named the Flyers captain a month later

Jacks has NEVER been Luc's captain

I want Jacks to be Luc's captain, okay

I don't care if it doesn't count because Chants is out of the nhl, it still counts in my heart

**diquesdick:**  
it would for sure still count in Chants's heart, too

he takes captaining very seriously

**puckstothenet:**  
he is a Serious Hockey Player and this is serious hockey things

even if he is not playing nhl hockey anymore... you can take the boy out of hockey but you can never ever ever take the hockey out of luc chantal

like, luc chantal is the only person who sees the words "team-building" and doesn't goddamn groan

boy builds teams

that is his ethos

this is his life

even nutritionist luc chantal would be like this

**diquesdick:**  
nutritionist luc chantal would be INSUFFERABLE if he were like this

there are only so many places where luc's aggressively team approach works at all, and they are 90% pro sports, 5% childrens sports, and 5% misc other

this has no place in the workplace

**puckstothenet:**  
Chants's second career as the guy they bring in for team building exercises

**diquesdick:**  
nope

**puckstothenet:**  
RELENTLESS POSITIVITY

**diquesdick:**  
the only good thing about that would be he's got a loose idea of what dress code is

**puckstothenet:**  
naw, he knows exactly what dress codes are. It's a rule that he can figure out how to follow and so he does that

he's got great suits because probably at some point in juniors, someone said "Future Number One Pick, today you are going to learn suits, and by learn suits, I mean, your tailor is your coach and you listen to your coach"

and this is why he has great suits that look fantastic, because he is not making any choices at all with those

all that athleisure he wears? uniform of an athlete. Fits the dress code.

but hand to god there is no way Luc Chantal would rock up to a place that says the dress code is "business casual" and have a fucking clue, at all, ever

**diquesdick:**  
he'd find someone to ask what that is, someone would look him up and down and say an oxford shirt and slacks, and in some places a tie without a jacket, and he'd nod his head and move on with his life

Luc Chantal does not have to figure out what "business casual" is in the womens section and for that I hate him just enough 

**puckstothenet:**  
also sometimes a polo shirt!

I had a boss once who, on game days, would wear a jersey OVER his suit

but he still had the suit on. You could see the tie underneath.

**diquesdick:**  
just in case a client came by?

**puckstothenet:**  
probably but knowing him, he'd keep it on in a client meeting

it was probably more like "as the boss, I do sort of have to set an example, so here I am, wearing the business uniform, but it's game day so I also am wearing the sports uniform as well."

as you can tell, he was not a boss who cared that much about dress codes in general.

**diquesdick:**  
I bet you do not remember the name or number on that jersey

**puckstothenet:**  
correct

but actually scratch that, Chants would suck as a team building professional, he's too competitive

**diquesdick:**  
IDK, he might be able to tamp it down

**puckstothenet:**  
lots of the diques's team building stuff is doing other competitive things, like video game tournaments and also golf

they build a team by creating a meticulous hierarchy based on game ability, but it allows those who are less good in hockey to contribute to the team as being better in other aspects

so, balance

**diquesdick:**  
a lot of ego to deal with

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah like every rookie that was ever older than the captain

**diquesdick:**  
every single nhl player was once the best player on any team they were on and at some point that stopped, and the point at which that stopped fascinates me

is luc chantal the best player in the world? honey sometimes I'm not sure he's the best player ON HIS LINE

**puckstothenet:**  
one day luc chantal and oliver jackson combine into one body. "thank god," we all say, "now we know who the diques mvp is".

would they play center or wing?

**diquesdick:**  
um. wing. I think.

it's just that every other forward, you can be like "okay at some point in the past, either very recent or somewhat-less-recent, someone had them shift positions and the one they ended up in was their best one but they've at least DONE the other ones"

but chants and jacks have been on the same line forever; the only thing that might ever shift is which side luc is on

**puckstothenet:**  
no one drafts luc chantal first overall and decides to try to make him a center. if they wanted a center, oliver jackson was right there to draft instead.

**diquesdick:**  
yeah

and if the flyers had had a different configuration MAYBE they'd have tried to shift jacks??? but having a star center is such a big deal that even then, they'd keep jacks where he is

so like have either of them played any other position since, idk, a summer training camp when they were thirteen???? Street hockey doesn't count. Messing around in practice doesn't count.

if I put Chants in the middle, he could probably handle it, but how well would he do? where would he rank????

**puckstothenet:**  
all I know is, better than he would if you decided he was a dman

**diquesdick:**  
dman luc chantal: most incomprehensible and unbelievable AU

I'd believe him as anything else before I'd believe him as that

**puckstothenet:**  
one day chants is going to wake up and realize the power of a good defense

but today is not that day

tomorrow isn't looking good either

**diquesdick:**  
also honestly an AU where Luc Chantal as a dman means it's an AU where jacktal is a d-pairing. How do you expect me to handle that?

**puckstothenet:**  
there's never any need for a third! all they need is each other! no need to find them another person to complete them!

is this a metaphor about polyamory?

**diquesdick:**  
hockey is versatile

**puckstothenet:**  
their lives as dmen... look I know that sometimes dmen go first but everyone loves forwards?????

would we get TWO dmen as the top two picks??? would the hockey gods ever let us have that again???

**diquesdick:**  
like, legitimately, if they were a d-pairing, I'd think one of the Sharks or the Flyers would have actually tried to get the other one

not at the "let's get both the Sedins" level of getting both at the draft, THAT'S never happening again, but, like, trading and stuff

if you had a chance to get a superstar d-pairing that you know works, would you ever NOT try? That wouldn't just be a franchise forward, that would be franchise changing

**puckstothenet:**  
"you'd thought the Sharks were tanking for chantal beforehand, just wait until you see them tank for jacktal"

it amuses me that they both ended up with a team that didn't exist when they were drafted, after ALL THAT TANKING

**diquesdick:**  
when life gives you expansion drafts, make expansion draft-ade

**puckstothenet:**  
I don't know if Chants embroiders, but if he does, I'm sure he has that on a pillow

**diquesdick:**  
god don't make me write jacktal as d-pairing

**puckstothenet:**  
I have no power over you!

**diquesdick:**  
lol

**puckstothenet:**  
but, y'know, if they WERE a d-pairing

**diquesdick:**  
omg

**puckstothenet:**  
just work with me for a second!

**diquesdick:**  
do you remember what 2026 olympic selection was like? do you remember what it's ALWAYS like for Canada land-of-the-million-nhl-players?

**puckstothenet:**  
I do recall many strenuous arguments on if jacktal should be picked and if so, should maybe only one of them

okay and by one of them I mean if jacks should stay home because canada didn't need another center

**diquesdick:**  
if they were a d-pairing, this would be worse

**puckstothenet:**  
that is true

but, I suggest to you: jacks still gets the golden goal in his first olympics

**diquesdick:**  
yes because he'd be one of those dman who think they're a forward

**puckstothenet:**  
you gotta dress for the position you want, not the position you have

okay but I say that, but honestly, if Chants was a dman, he'd embrace it. He'd be a defensive defenceman

he'd be doing so much defense you'd think he's the goalie

**diquesdick:**  
luc chantal has one speed and it is "commitment"

**puckstothenet:**  
luc chantal's one speed is commitment so much he got married at 18 to his childhood sweetheart and when we found out about it five years later, we all went "...okay in retrospect he was never in the closet"

he never said anything about it except for all the stuff he said about it

**diquesdick:**  
yup

if they were a d-pairing, my life is over and I have no dreams left but figuring out if their line name actually would be jacktal

**puckstothenet:**  
of course it would

you think the coach is gonna say Jackson-Chantal over and over again? It's jacktal by the time they're eight.

**diquesdick:**  
do they wait longer to get married? 

**puckstothenet:**  
that depends on if the teams tanking for jacktal actually do the impossible and get both of them

because if that happens, maybe they are not so desperate to be together that they road trip to vegas and get drunk married because they're so scared of losing each other

if they know they're gonna be together and not on opposite sides of the country, maybe they're like "maybe we'll wait and plan a real wedding"

of course there's also the chance that they got married as soon as they could do it legally on purpose because they wanted that piece of paper saying they were important to each other

**diquesdick:**  
they already had a notarized contract saying that

**puckstothenet:**  
that is true

you know, this is one pairing where you do an arranged marriage, childhood betrothal thing and it's like how is that any different from reality, c'mon, did you even do an AU

**diquesdick:**  
"AU where Jacktal didn't want to marry each other", step too far, bad characterization, close tab

**puckstothenet:**  
it would only work if, like, they wanted to marry each other, had a fight over ice cream that lasted a couple days, and those couple days where jacks screamed "I won't marry you if we can't have milkshake dates anymore!" is the focus of the fic

just the total misery of a friend break-up that will be resolved by the end of the week

**diquesdick:**  
5 Times Jacktal Broke Up Over Petty Reasons And 1 Time They Stayed Together

**puckstothenet:**  
also like, canon-compliant arranged marriage, where the parents agreed the kids would get married, the kids were like "yep, sounds good", ended up getting married, BUT we maintain canon continuity throughout it

aka, Chants called home the morning after and said "Mom, Dad, good news, we got married like you promised Jack's mom. Bad news... uh. We got married?"

**diquesdick:**  
"You got the paperwork signed. We're still gonna have the real wedding when you get home. Now put your husband on the phone, we want to say hi to our son-in-law."

**puckstothenet:**  
yes absolutely

you know what they never did seem to have, though? any other wedding ceremony

and I respect them for that a lot

"this is how we got married and that was our wedding, now let's get on with the marriage"

**diquesdick:**  
on brand

**puckstothenet:**  
"yes our wedding ceremony involved an elvis impersonator and being very drunk, is that a problem?"

**diquesdick:**  
but if they did wait to have a second wedding ceremony so that the Stanley Cup could attend it, that would also be a legitimate choice

**puckstothenet:**  
omg yes amazing

"we won't have a second ceremony now for our friends and family. We'll have a second ceremony when we can both hold hands with the stanley cup, in true hockey matrimony."

**diquesdick:**  
and if they never got a stanley cup, they'd never get married again, and so that's what hangs over them and pushes, that if they want their family there, they gotta get the trophy

incentive!

**puckstothenet:**  
it's a good thing neither won the cup in their first season or they'd've developed a hockey superstition that they have to get married every off season

Jacks wouldn't develop the superstition himself but that's fine, Chants can do it enough for both of them

I can't really make fun of him too much, I got weird random superstitions too, why tempt the evil eye when you don't have to

**diquesdick:**  
Every Little Bit Helps

**puckstothenet:**  
the universe is chaos, we must try to wrestle control where we can

it's just logic

and if that logic gets you a stanley cup then it's just icing on the top

**diquesdick:**  
I raise you, Luc Chantal crafts superstitions by asking Jacks to come up with something even Luc Chantal wouldn't go along with, and then Chants's natural competitiveness is like, okay, no, I will only listen to the same five songs before every game until the end of eternity

because Chants is self-aware of all of this, I feel, and if he won't troll himself, he'd be happy to have Jacks troll him instead

**puckstothenet:**  
Oliver Jackson, age 16: Chants, I dare you to do a cartwheel before you go out to any playoff game ever.

Oliver Jackson, age 26, watching Chants cartwheel himself into a wall: Why Do I Do This To Myself

**diquesdick:**  
the problem with marrying your childhood sweetheart is this kind of continuity

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah I don't know if Chants is still keeping up a tradition given to him by a juniors teammate he hasn't seen since that season ended lo these many years ago

but Jacks would be special either way, I think?

like if Jacks had quit after junior, he'd still be Chants's best bro

**diquesdick:**  
true

if Jacks had been like "I can see the future and it involves a bad concussion, I'm gonna go find a nice university in California and room with Chants", first of all, I've read that fic at least sixty times, and second of all, Chants would be even worse because Jacks would be there, sitting on the couch, being like "Chants, bet you you can't score three goals in three minutes, and if you can't do it, it's your turn to do laundry for the next year". And Chants can't retaliate, except maybe like "Jacks if you don't ace that lab report, I want a foot rub after practice."

**puckstothenet:**  
Jacks goes to home games when he can and heckles.

Jacks, in the stands: I could play better before my voice cracked!

Luc, helpfully: he's right

**diquesdick:**  
The Sharks get to know Jacks as That Guy Luc Always Talks About, and then they meet him and it's like "you seem a normal guy, why are you living with THIS"

And Jacks shrugs and is like, "he's got really great cheekbones."

**puckstothenet:**  
AU where Luc Chantal is just hot for hockey player and not Actually Hot

**diquesdick:**  
in that AU, everyone would be trying to convince us that Chants is Actually Hot

**puckstothenet:**  
and failing, failing so much

**diquesdick:**  
but legitimately, do you think he has fewer endorsements or media presence?

**puckstothenet:**  
I'm not sure he'd have that much watch commercials, no. His crossover appeal is a lot shallow and only a little Famous Hockey Player Trying To Break Through

like, yes, he would be at the Sidney Crosby level of "name any current hockey player at all"

BUT

okay, so, you know how everyone thinks that Michelle Kwan won the Olympics? Because they've heard of her, and if they've heard of her, she must be an ogm.

the "stuff everyone knows" about the single athlete everyone knows from that sport is really really tiny, it's basically just their name, vaguely their decade, and that's it

no one would be able to pick him out of a deck of trading cards that were just him and hockey players who got dubbed the next in the line of gretzky

he would have endorsements and beneath those endorsements, not only would it say his name, but it would also say hockey player and ogm and stanley cup winner and captain of the diques

it would have a resume, is what I'm saying

it would not just be LUC CHANTAL FOR $COMPANY

it would not assume you would know who he is

in the US, I mean. Canada cares about hockey.

**diquesdick:**  
yeah

he's got momentum because the scoring streak got reported outside the hockey milieu, so the hockey drew them in, and then the face kept them :P

**puckstothenet:**  
yep

scoring streak, then the olympics, then the whole expansion draft brouhaha

that was a solid two years of public attention from folks who don't pay attention to hockey

so they'd have heard of him, but the hardest part of any famous athlete crossing over is at what point they stop having to dress in their sports uniform or carry their tennis racket for anyone to connect the dots and be like "ah, yes, roger federer, I have heard of you"

Chants hit that... at some point, I could not begin to say when. But he has absolutely hit that point.

but I'm not sure he does it without That Face, y'know?

**diquesdick:**  
Jacks has not hit that point

**puckstothenet:**  
and he's never gonna

tbf I'm not sure he wants to

okay maybe he will from the twitter followers who are there for his scifi expertise and only every so often are confronted by the fact that he is a professional hockey player

**diquesdick:**  
"Aunt Puck, you know who Oliver Jackson is???? I didn't know you liked Babylon Five!"

**puckstothenet:**  
"Ah, yes, Babylon Five. The five goals Jacks scored in the last playoff run. I remember them well."

Jacks is gonna have a second career going pro in science fiction circles and I'm gonna be there on my rocking chair going "I knew him before he was cool".

maybe it's so easy to do nonNHLer Jacks because he does have hobbies, publicly. He engages with non hockey constantly.

**diquesdick:**  
whereas nonNHLer Chants is just "throw your hands up and guess something tangential to hockey"

or modeling.

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah

Jacks just physically looks so much more like a jock than Chants does, and Chants does every so often give us strippergate, and yet Chants is just... dude has got to be a jock, that's required

whereas if you tell me Jacks isn't a jock, I'm gonna nod and say go on, tell me more

but Jacks is for sure a jock, so much

**diquesdick:**  
Chants may make the nutritional smoothies, but you know who drinks them? Oliver Jackson.

(also Luc Chantal)

**puckstothenet:**  
their love is pure and full of things they do to get better at hockey

they kinda brought each other into the nhl through the buddy system

no way to know if either would have become a professional hockey player without the other but they're both so clear on how having the other one there helped

and NOT IN A RIVALRY

not in a "oh yeah had to be good to keep beating Jacks" NOPE it was "had to be good to keep being able to keep up with Jacks"

they did this together, holding hands, bros and husbands

**diquesdick:**  
troll AU where they are rivals and don't like each other and have foeyay

I can see the steam coming out of your pigtails :p

**puckstothenet:**  
OKAY BUT

**diquesdick:**  
ahahaha

**puckstothenet:**  
LOOK BABE I CAN ROLL WITH THE CHANGES

I CAN CHALLENGE-ACCEPTED

also that would be fine, because it's a change in their relationship that acknowledges we are talking AU

we are not trying to shove a rivalry into their beautiful friendship

**diquesdick:**  
so you're willing to allow this?

**puckstothenet:**  
yes

**diquesdick:**  
because you're a sucker for foeyay?

**puckstothenet:**  
...also yes

it's just, if they're rivals that means they're thinking of each other all the time, NOT FAR-FETCHED

like, they won't be living together in juniors, no reason to do that if they don't like each other

**diquesdick:**  
there is barely a reason to do that even if they do like each other

**puckstothenet:**  
buddy system!

**diquesdick:**  
rival jacktal involves someone asking who is better, and Jacks going "obviously I am"

this is different from the real world, where Jacks responds "usually I am"

**puckstothenet:**  
rival jacktal indistinguishable from married jacktal except they insist they hate each other

**diquesdick:**  
works for me

oh and jacks would not have signed that offer sheet

**puckstothenet:**  
but why not? it would give him a chance to outshine Chants in his new team

now, would TPTB on the diques go out of their way to offer sheet a guy their captain doesn't like? doubtful

but if they did, why not? Why let your enemy's mistake go unexploited?

especially if Chants and Jacks absolutely were like "yeah I'd've been a guy who never made it, except all I had to do was look to the side to see someone who I just had to be better than", perhaps the hockey operations folks were like "you know what our captain could use? a goad"

they'd be dicks to be like that, but, well :P

**diquesdick:**  
once they're on the same team, though, they'll have to Perform Team with each other, they'll have to try not to publicly hate each other

foeyay where everyone knows it's foeyay but they have to pretend it's broyay

**puckstothenet:**  
delicious

**diquesdick:**  
also since it's foeyay jacktal, they also foeyay with other people

**puckstothenet:**  
omg i love you

**diquesdick:**  
think of the hate fucking after one of them scores a playoff winning goal and the other is so mad that they just assisted on it and didn't get the actual goal

**puckstothenet:**  
I am definitely thinking of the hate fucking

would they move in together to hate fuck more efficiently?

**diquesdick:**  
of course this is them

but most importantly, they never stop being foes

this is not some "enemies to friendly lovers" plot bunny, this is "enemies to hate fuckers who stay enemies"

**puckstothenet:**  
while playing house with each other

**diquesdick:**  
yes

**puckstothenet:**  
Chants keeps feeding smoothies to Jacks because he needs him to stay healthy and competitive so that Chants can still compete against him and try to win

if Jacks gets traded, Chants can't beat him again

except, well, on a team level (because rivalry is fucking pointless in a team sport!!!!!!111111!!!)

but yes if they're on the same line, which of them has better stats MEANS SOMETHING

I mean, no, it means nothing, but this is foeyay

**diquesdick:**  
in which Oliver Jackson knows everything there is to know about Luc Chantal and likes none of it

**puckstothenet:**  
in which Luc Chantal talks about everything he hates about Oliver Jackson for thirty minutes while Temi tries to escape the team bus

"I know you hate him," says every teammate. "I would perhaps like to know LESS about how you hate him."

**diquesdick:**  
Luc has a couple days break in between games during The Concussion and flies to Philly to threaten Jacks into getting better

**puckstothenet:**  
Jacks: dammit, Chants, even your bedside manner is terrible

Chants: I'm taking this opportunity while you're out to beat you for the Art Ross, better get back on the ice soon, loser

**diquesdick:**  
someone tells Jacks that if he can't think of anything good to say, say nothing at all. So the next time someone asks Jacks to compliment Chants, he just stares into the camera and then says "I've got nothing to say".

**puckstothenet:**  
okay but also they still got married before rookie year EITHER just to make sure the other was aware they were watching them, OR it really was every single "got drunk, woke up married to enemy" you've ever seen

except if it was the second, they'd've gotten it annulled by noon the following day

**diquesdick:**  
"My marriage vows are to never go to bed happy."

**puckstothenet:**  
lol

you know what? I'm into this.

jacktal foeyay maintaining the foeyay throughout their entire relationship, perfect.

**diquesdick:**  
*bad romance plays somewhere in the distance*

**puckstothenet:**  
+1

sometimes it's like "have I spent too much time contemplating all the ways these two guys could love each other" and then I realize I have not considered ENOUGH ways these guys could love each other

**diquesdick:**  
life always contains room for improvement. Slash is life. Ergo...

**puckstothenet:**  
makes perfect sense

the length and breadth of slash is truly limitless

**diquesdick:**  
you can do what you want!

want them falling in love? we have that. Want them to have never met? We can also do that.

Want them as spaceships? Also that too.

We can even do futurefic and give them more cups.

**puckstothenet:**  
lol yeah guilty

**diquesdick:**  
that is always the question with futurefic, yeah. Do you give them cup wins? Do you give them Olympic medals? Do you relegate them to the minors?

**puckstothenet:**  
only thing I won't do is write career ending injuries again.

**diquesdick:**  
because of that Davey fic?

**puckstothenet:**  
yep, never again.

I got too much from folks who seemed a little bit too happy about the idea of him being out of the game and never playing again

I didn't like how that felt

worse, they thought I was one of them, that I didn't like Davey so much, I'd use rpf to write out some kind of revenge wishful thinking curse on him, because how dare he be a good player

really didn't like that. Not doing it again, the hurt/comfort isn't worth it.

**diquesdick:**  
puck: *writes a fic about someone she loves finding life and purpose outside of a sport she thinks is toxic most of the time*

**puckstothenet:**  
All of the time!

but yeah, ugh.

you have never seen anyone happier than I was when Davey won the Cup and then when he got into the triple gold club JUST BECAUSE of that

like, great for Davey! and also fuck you, everyone who thought I wanted him to suffer so your fave could get his olympic roster spot

but still, never doing that again

despite appearances, sometimes I can, in fact, learn my lesson

**diquesdick:**  
happy endings have lots of different forms

**puckstothenet:**  
yeah if he's gonna stick around this stupid sport, he may as well get what he wants out of it

and now he's retired and I pay him no attention, because I want to be serene in the knowledge that he got what he wanted from this sport and is now doing other things he enjoys

I don't want to find out how his bad hip is doing, I want to pretend it's all fine

**diquesdick:**  
last I checked, he had no social media presence at all, so I can only assume he is happily living his retired life

okay, this time google shows he got married last year

**puckstothenet:**  
good for Davey!

in fifteen years, nobody ever tell me how Luc's knee is doing

I'd say screw it and go follow a sport that doesn't have injuries but I can't think of any

**diquesdick:**  
the stock market

**puckstothenet:**  
not a spectator sport :P

**diquesdick:**  
several business channels on cable beg to differ

**puckstothenet:**  
ugh I forgot those existed

okay so this is the only sport that hurts the spectators more than the participants

espn shows card games sometimes, I guess now's the time for me to really get into watching poker

**diquesdick:**  
you would never ever ever watch competitive poker

you would, however, gleefully watch any person ever play solitaire

**puckstothenet:**  
...you know me too well

**diquesdick:**  
competitive solitaire heckling is absolutely a sport for the whole family

**puckstothenet:**  
it would be!

solitaire is absolutely an activity and/or a game, not a sport BUT

like

it can be a hobby that's more fun for people to watch than to do :P

**diquesdick:**  
low-stakes PICK THAT CARD, NO, WAIT, THAT OTHER CARD, NO YOU FUCKED UP

**puckstothenet:**  
and if you fuck it up, well, you're only playing against yourself

if you lose, you win?

**diquesdick:**  
it's foolproof

**puckstothenet:**  
and no injuries, it's everything I could ever want in a sports fandom

**diquesdick:**  
all it lacks is the ability to watch it :P

**puckstothenet:**  
that is the most minor of all minor details. I am full of over-confidence and shall persevere.

**diquesdick:**  
I believe in you, puck. I really do.

**puckstothenet:**  
I appreciate that!

now, just to figure out... everything about this

**diquesdick:**  
lol

**puckstothenet:**  
also, ahem, your attention please

"And that's why we," Jackson said, slinging his arm around Chantal's shoulders, "have leverage." 

Exeunt!

*takes a bow*

**diquesdick:**  
*\o/* *\o/* *\o/*

**Author's Note:**

> [this post on dreamwidth](https://lannamichaels.dreamwidth.org/1147643.html); [this post on tumblr](https://lannamichaels.tumblr.com/post/629898360940298240/we-provide-a-leverage-au-31562-words-by-lanna)


End file.
